:'( THIS MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT IS PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF!!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT. EVERY TIME I FIND HAPPINESS, SOMETHING OR SOMEONE MANAGES TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. I'M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS.
MY HAPPINESS HAS BEEN COMING AT RANDOM TIMES. I WAS HAPPY EARLIER. WHENEVER I ACT HAPPY LATELY, MY MOM ALWAYS ASKS ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK?! CAN'T I BE HAPPY?! CAN'T I ACT HAPPY?! IF I'M HAPPY, THEN THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?! CAN'T I BE HAPPY WITHOUT SOMEONE THINKING THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
la di da ^_^
I haven't blogged in a while so here it goes....
What I've been up to:
1. I've been torrenting music like crazy. I need a new iPod cause of it. My iPod's so full of music that I had to take out some songs and my photos to fit everything. At least I didn't buy this iPod so when I finally buy one with more space, I won't mind.
2. Life's boring as usual. Nothing exciting has happened. I did get stood up again. It's alright... I'm used to it. At least he finally manned up yesterday and apologized to me.
terry b3rry (7:37:02 PM): btw, thanks for standing me up
emmanuelx622 (7:43:06 PM): thats what i wanted to talk to you about, i wanted to apologize to you about it.
terry b3rry (7:43:18 PM): why'd you do it?
terry b3rry (7:43:27 PM): i was waiting all afternoon
emmanuelx622 (7:50:03 PM): i was playing tennis & i didn't realize the time and i tried to call you but you never answered. and then i seen the things you wrote on twitter to mark and i felt weird to talk to you until now.
emmanuelx622 (8:18:51 PM): yeah :[ im sorry
terry b3rry (8:19:29 PM): if you're really sorry, why did it take you this long to tell me?
emmanuelx622 (8:21:19 PM): i told you already
emmanuelx622 (8:21:31 PM): i felt really bad cuz of all the things you said about me
terry b3rry (8:21:39 PM): you should
terry b3rry (8:21:46 PM): cause i was hurt
terry b3rry (9:14:59 PM): so....
emmanuelx622 (9:15:09 PM): sooo
emmanuelx622 (9:15:11 PM): forgive me?
terry b3rry (9:15:25 PM): why should I forgive you?
emmanuelx622 (9:16:09 PM): so we can be friends
terry b3rry (9:20:59 PM): hmmm....
terry b3rry (9:21:03 PM): well....
emmanuelx622 (9:21:22 PM): well?
terry b3rry (9:21:26 PM): fine
emmanuelx622 (9:21:49 PM): fine?
emmanuelx622 (9:21:53 PM): you'll forgive me?
terry b3rry (9:21:57 PM): yesh
emmanuelx622 (9:22:39 PM): thanks
terry b3rry (9:22:52 PM): you better not screw up after this LOL
emmanuelx622 (9:24:02 PM): i wont
terry b3rry (9:24:42 PM): you better not
emmanuelx622 (9:25:03 PM): kk
I better not regret forgiving him.
That's been happening a lot lately. This guy who stood me up during fall semester, the same guy I met at orientation who ended up taking advantage of my feelings, said sorry about the way shit ended between us:
June 17, 2009:
terry b3rry (11:31:05 PM): and remember.. you stood me up once
MusasianHippie (11:32:27 PM): I didn't know how to handle it. You're not an easy person to say no to... But yeah I shouldn't have, I'm still sorry about that.
June 23, 2009:
MusasianHippie (11:14:32 PM): Not much for small talk nowadays eh
terry b3rry (11:14:45 PM): sorry
terry b3rry (11:14:54 PM): it still feels awkard talking to you
MusasianHippie (11:15:14 PM): Hey it's cool lol... Sorry to hear that, wish it wasn't
terry b3rry (11:15:36 PM): :)
MusasianHippie (11:16:08 PM): Just trying to be friendly
terry b3rry (11:16:38 PM): okie dokie
terry b3rry (11:16:41 PM): that's nice of you
MusasianHippie (11:17:53 PM): Well if it's any consolation, I wished I didn't screw up my friendship with you back then lol
3. My skin condition is starting to depress the crap out of me. I feel so insecure. If I could change my skin, I would. But, I'm trying to keep my life stress free so that my skin clears up. My mom says it's starting to clear up a little. She tries her best to comfort me when I get depressed about my skin and other things. I love her for that. I still need to make an appointment with my dermatologis though.
4. My dad managed to annoy the shit out of me this morning. Spending time with my mom is the only thing I look forward to nowadays. Spending time with my dad used to be great but nowadays it sucks cause he's acting like an immature jerk. If he wasn't my father and if I wasn't afraid to him, I'd scream at him. At least spending time with my mom is always nice :)
5. Today was a pretty good day. I did the laundry with my mom around H-Mart. Then when we got home, I decided to put my freshly laundered clothes away. This somehow lead to me re-organizing my closet. I discovered that I can fit into my old shorts and pants now! Yay for losing 15 lbs! I fit back into all of my size 5 shorts, a pair of kids size 16 shorts, a pair of capris that I stopped wearing cause they were too tight, and a pair of GAP kids jeans sized at kids size 14. I was amazed. I have so much more clothes to wear now. :) Short shorts this summer, yes?
What I've been up to:
1. I've been torrenting music like crazy. I need a new iPod cause of it. My iPod's so full of music that I had to take out some songs and my photos to fit everything. At least I didn't buy this iPod so when I finally buy one with more space, I won't mind.
2. Life's boring as usual. Nothing exciting has happened. I did get stood up again. It's alright... I'm used to it. At least he finally manned up yesterday and apologized to me.
terry b3rry (7:37:02 PM): btw, thanks for standing me up
emmanuelx622 (7:43:06 PM): thats what i wanted to talk to you about, i wanted to apologize to you about it.
terry b3rry (7:43:18 PM): why'd you do it?
terry b3rry (7:43:27 PM): i was waiting all afternoon
emmanuelx622 (7:50:03 PM): i was playing tennis & i didn't realize the time and i tried to call you but you never answered. and then i seen the things you wrote on twitter to mark and i felt weird to talk to you until now.
emmanuelx622 (8:18:51 PM): yeah :[ im sorry
terry b3rry (8:19:29 PM): if you're really sorry, why did it take you this long to tell me?
emmanuelx622 (8:21:19 PM): i told you already
emmanuelx622 (8:21:31 PM): i felt really bad cuz of all the things you said about me
terry b3rry (8:21:39 PM): you should
terry b3rry (8:21:46 PM): cause i was hurt
terry b3rry (9:14:59 PM): so....
emmanuelx622 (9:15:09 PM): sooo
emmanuelx622 (9:15:11 PM): forgive me?
terry b3rry (9:15:25 PM): why should I forgive you?
emmanuelx622 (9:16:09 PM): so we can be friends
terry b3rry (9:20:59 PM): hmmm....
terry b3rry (9:21:03 PM): well....
emmanuelx622 (9:21:22 PM): well?
terry b3rry (9:21:26 PM): fine
emmanuelx622 (9:21:49 PM): fine?
emmanuelx622 (9:21:53 PM): you'll forgive me?
terry b3rry (9:21:57 PM): yesh
emmanuelx622 (9:22:39 PM): thanks
terry b3rry (9:22:52 PM): you better not screw up after this LOL
emmanuelx622 (9:24:02 PM): i wont
terry b3rry (9:24:42 PM): you better not
emmanuelx622 (9:25:03 PM): kk
I better not regret forgiving him.
That's been happening a lot lately. This guy who stood me up during fall semester, the same guy I met at orientation who ended up taking advantage of my feelings, said sorry about the way shit ended between us:
June 17, 2009:
terry b3rry (11:31:05 PM): and remember.. you stood me up once
MusasianHippie (11:32:27 PM): I didn't know how to handle it. You're not an easy person to say no to... But yeah I shouldn't have, I'm still sorry about that.
June 23, 2009:
MusasianHippie (11:14:32 PM): Not much for small talk nowadays eh
terry b3rry (11:14:45 PM): sorry
terry b3rry (11:14:54 PM): it still feels awkard talking to you
MusasianHippie (11:15:14 PM): Hey it's cool lol... Sorry to hear that, wish it wasn't
terry b3rry (11:15:36 PM): :)
MusasianHippie (11:16:08 PM): Just trying to be friendly
terry b3rry (11:16:38 PM): okie dokie
terry b3rry (11:16:41 PM): that's nice of you
MusasianHippie (11:17:53 PM): Well if it's any consolation, I wished I didn't screw up my friendship with you back then lol
3. My skin condition is starting to depress the crap out of me. I feel so insecure. If I could change my skin, I would. But, I'm trying to keep my life stress free so that my skin clears up. My mom says it's starting to clear up a little. She tries her best to comfort me when I get depressed about my skin and other things. I love her for that. I still need to make an appointment with my dermatologis though.
4. My dad managed to annoy the shit out of me this morning. Spending time with my mom is the only thing I look forward to nowadays. Spending time with my dad used to be great but nowadays it sucks cause he's acting like an immature jerk. If he wasn't my father and if I wasn't afraid to him, I'd scream at him. At least spending time with my mom is always nice :)
5. Today was a pretty good day. I did the laundry with my mom around H-Mart. Then when we got home, I decided to put my freshly laundered clothes away. This somehow lead to me re-organizing my closet. I discovered that I can fit into my old shorts and pants now! Yay for losing 15 lbs! I fit back into all of my size 5 shorts, a pair of kids size 16 shorts, a pair of capris that I stopped wearing cause they were too tight, and a pair of GAP kids jeans sized at kids size 14. I was amazed. I have so much more clothes to wear now. :) Short shorts this summer, yes?
I'm actually happy today... at least I think this is what happiness feels like :)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
bleh.
I only have $1 in my wallet.
I stare at it to see if it'll multiply before my eyes.
I seriously can't wait until July 1st!
Then, I will start work again.
And soon, my @_@ will turn into $_$!
I stare at it to see if it'll multiply before my eyes.
I seriously can't wait until July 1st!
Then, I will start work again.
And soon, my @_@ will turn into $_$!
Monday, June 8, 2009
and here it goes... AGAIN.
this one is for you, KB...
1. It may seem like I'm shunning you for new people but that's only cause I'm trying to make new friends and get to know more people. I haven't forgotten about who were my friends first, trust me. I just want to make new friends and get to know more people cause frankly I want my circle of friends to grow and I have difficulty making friends. I'VE NEVER HAD THIS MANY FRIENDS and I'm proud of all the friendships I've made and I'm proud that I found out who my true friends are. Why do you think I never made any friends til my junior year of high school? I always struggle to keep friendships thriving cause my friendships always end up failing me. So can you blame me for constantly trying to make new friends?
If it felt like I was shunning you when I was talking to Emmanuel about the bodily pain I was experiencing, it's cause I was really in pain and you found it to make a joke about my pain, which I don't appreciate. I knew in the end that you were joking but your joke greatly affected me.
2. If you're tired of my emo tweets then that means you're tired of me. Cause quite frankly, I'm an emotional person. Feel free to abandon me cause of it. George and Armand had no problem easing away from me cause I was so emotional... It's just the way I am. If you can't accept that, then I understand if you ease away from me just like they did. People have been doing that lately, but it's the people who see me and my emo self and actually stick with me and try to cheer me up that I love.
And my cute Tweets? That was at the times when I found temporary happiness... emphasis on temporary. You don't know how difficult my home life is making it for me to be happy and bring back that side of me that unleashed all those cute tweets.
3. I know everyone else has their own problems and that I'm not the center of attention. Why the heck do you think I don't reply to your @terry__berry tweets? Cause I know you don't like hearing my problems. When you and I was "separated" from each other, I had Calvin to turn to and he told me that you started acting different towards me cause you didn't like listening to my problems. So why do you think I don't like telling you my problems?! Cause Calvin told me you didn't want to hear them and I don't like burdening people with my problems.
Frankly, I don't know why you do care about me... As a matter of fact, I felt like you stopped caring after you found Eddie. After all, you two make me feel like a third wheel. Why do you think I get emo when I'm around the two of you? It's cause I feel excluded and cause I miss having something like that. The closeness you two has brings back BAD memories of what I had with George. It hurts me to see it.
4. Frankly, I don't think you understand my money situation. You can try but you never will understand it. WHY? You have probably never been through anything like this in your life. You're one of the privilaged few. Have you ever feared getting your car repossessed or feared getting evicted from your home? Cause that's what I go through all the time. I have no clue where to get money to help my parents while my friends are out there throwing money around like it grows on trees. I'd be happy if I see at least $5 dollars in my wallet... but I don't. Do you know how I feel when my friends are constantly flaunting their ability to buy new things around me? And I'm there broke as fuck? Why the fuck do I wear the same clothes and shoes all the time? I have no money to buy any. I'm tired of this shit. I'd like to treat myself to get new clothes and stuff but where will I get the money? Probably when I'm done paying the $3000 of debt I'm already in cause I can't pay my laptop, and I am way over the limit on my credit card cause I didn't even use it to treat myself but instead I used it to pay my family's bills!
5. Am I afraid of telling you how I feel? NO. But I choose not to cause you probably don't want to hear it like Calvin said. Instead I chose to blog about it cause I let out feelings better when I type everything out. If I were talking to you on the phone, I might leave something out.
P.S. I still care about you. Why do you think that when you weren't answering any of my texts and tweets, I constantly called you? But you decided to ignore my worries and tell Eddie to tell me. Frankly, I don't want to hear it from Eddie. I want to hear it from you. He's not my best friend. You are. You used to tell me everything first... even when you were with Justin. But now that you're with Eddie, it's not like that anymore. Hello, there are other people in this world that care about you besides Eddie! And unlike what Calvin told me about you, not wanting to hear my problems, I actually want to hear your problems cause I really do care.
6. "Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU."
You don't know what this means so let me make it clear. When we were at the beach, whenever it was just you, me and Eddie, I felt like the third wheel so I went to talk to Hai (mainly cause I was slightly attracted to him) to avoid becoming the third wheel. Then as soon as I started talking to him, all he did was ask me about you. This isn't the first time this has happened. Remember when we got our fitteds made fall semester? The guy pretended to flirt with me just so he could get your number. I'm like the go-to person for Kirsten info. And it hurts... cause just for a second you think a guy is really attracted to you but in reality he's using you cause he's attracted to your friend. And that shoots my self-esteem all the way down. Hence, one reason why I don't feel pretty.
7. You're right. I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I DON'T! Smiling is a foreign concept to me. That picture was one of the ones where I hid my tears behind a smile. Do you know how many things were stressing me out that day? But I hid everything. I was happy that day... I admit it. It didn't last for long though. IT NEVER DOES. I don't even know who I genuinely am anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy - to be carefree.
1. It may seem like I'm shunning you for new people but that's only cause I'm trying to make new friends and get to know more people. I haven't forgotten about who were my friends first, trust me. I just want to make new friends and get to know more people cause frankly I want my circle of friends to grow and I have difficulty making friends. I'VE NEVER HAD THIS MANY FRIENDS and I'm proud of all the friendships I've made and I'm proud that I found out who my true friends are. Why do you think I never made any friends til my junior year of high school? I always struggle to keep friendships thriving cause my friendships always end up failing me. So can you blame me for constantly trying to make new friends?
If it felt like I was shunning you when I was talking to Emmanuel about the bodily pain I was experiencing, it's cause I was really in pain and you found it to make a joke about my pain, which I don't appreciate. I knew in the end that you were joking but your joke greatly affected me.
2. If you're tired of my emo tweets then that means you're tired of me. Cause quite frankly, I'm an emotional person. Feel free to abandon me cause of it. George and Armand had no problem easing away from me cause I was so emotional... It's just the way I am. If you can't accept that, then I understand if you ease away from me just like they did. People have been doing that lately, but it's the people who see me and my emo self and actually stick with me and try to cheer me up that I love.
And my cute Tweets? That was at the times when I found temporary happiness... emphasis on temporary. You don't know how difficult my home life is making it for me to be happy and bring back that side of me that unleashed all those cute tweets.
3. I know everyone else has their own problems and that I'm not the center of attention. Why the heck do you think I don't reply to your @terry__berry tweets? Cause I know you don't like hearing my problems. When you and I was "separated" from each other, I had Calvin to turn to and he told me that you started acting different towards me cause you didn't like listening to my problems. So why do you think I don't like telling you my problems?! Cause Calvin told me you didn't want to hear them and I don't like burdening people with my problems.
Frankly, I don't know why you do care about me... As a matter of fact, I felt like you stopped caring after you found Eddie. After all, you two make me feel like a third wheel. Why do you think I get emo when I'm around the two of you? It's cause I feel excluded and cause I miss having something like that. The closeness you two has brings back BAD memories of what I had with George. It hurts me to see it.
4. Frankly, I don't think you understand my money situation. You can try but you never will understand it. WHY? You have probably never been through anything like this in your life. You're one of the privilaged few. Have you ever feared getting your car repossessed or feared getting evicted from your home? Cause that's what I go through all the time. I have no clue where to get money to help my parents while my friends are out there throwing money around like it grows on trees. I'd be happy if I see at least $5 dollars in my wallet... but I don't. Do you know how I feel when my friends are constantly flaunting their ability to buy new things around me? And I'm there broke as fuck? Why the fuck do I wear the same clothes and shoes all the time? I have no money to buy any. I'm tired of this shit. I'd like to treat myself to get new clothes and stuff but where will I get the money? Probably when I'm done paying the $3000 of debt I'm already in cause I can't pay my laptop, and I am way over the limit on my credit card cause I didn't even use it to treat myself but instead I used it to pay my family's bills!
5. Am I afraid of telling you how I feel? NO. But I choose not to cause you probably don't want to hear it like Calvin said. Instead I chose to blog about it cause I let out feelings better when I type everything out. If I were talking to you on the phone, I might leave something out.
P.S. I still care about you. Why do you think that when you weren't answering any of my texts and tweets, I constantly called you? But you decided to ignore my worries and tell Eddie to tell me. Frankly, I don't want to hear it from Eddie. I want to hear it from you. He's not my best friend. You are. You used to tell me everything first... even when you were with Justin. But now that you're with Eddie, it's not like that anymore. Hello, there are other people in this world that care about you besides Eddie! And unlike what Calvin told me about you, not wanting to hear my problems, I actually want to hear your problems cause I really do care.
6. "Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU."
You don't know what this means so let me make it clear. When we were at the beach, whenever it was just you, me and Eddie, I felt like the third wheel so I went to talk to Hai (mainly cause I was slightly attracted to him) to avoid becoming the third wheel. Then as soon as I started talking to him, all he did was ask me about you. This isn't the first time this has happened. Remember when we got our fitteds made fall semester? The guy pretended to flirt with me just so he could get your number. I'm like the go-to person for Kirsten info. And it hurts... cause just for a second you think a guy is really attracted to you but in reality he's using you cause he's attracted to your friend. And that shoots my self-esteem all the way down. Hence, one reason why I don't feel pretty.
7. You're right. I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I DON'T! Smiling is a foreign concept to me. That picture was one of the ones where I hid my tears behind a smile. Do you know how many things were stressing me out that day? But I hid everything. I was happy that day... I admit it. It didn't last for long though. IT NEVER DOES. I don't even know who I genuinely am anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy - to be carefree.
and here it goes...
I haven't blogged in a while.
Nothing has changed really. . .
1. I'm still yearning for July 1st to come faster so I can start earning money again.
2. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I'm happy but I'm still not feeling happy. My mom thinks I'm happy cause she sees me acting all weird and bubbly and "happy," when in reality it's all just a facade.
3. My self-esteem is at an ALL TIME LOW.
I've officially given up on Twitter. Shit is full of people "tweeting" pointless things that just get on my fucking nerves. Nowadays, I just use it as a means of yelling at the world and making known what my non-existent life consists of. In reality, the occurrences in my life are pointless so "tweeting" about them is pointless.
Plus, a certain person's tweets are getting on my nerves. That's right... I'm talking about you Kirsten. THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU! Ok, we get it... you're attractive but you don't need to make it known to the world that guys are "hollering" at you 24 fucking 7. See this is exactly why I don't like hanging out with you at times. It's cause whenever I hang out with you my self-esteem gets lower and lower and even fucking lower. If I were to rate my fucking self-esteem right now it's at a -90682 and the way you act and the things you say make it even lower. SO FUCK IT.
Plus, when I hang out with you lately I feel like a fucking third wheel. Sure, I hang around Rachelle and Sam... they're a couple, but at least they don't make me feel like a fucking third wheel. I'd rather be by myself than hang out with people only to feel like I'm a fucking third wheel. THAT'S WHY I LIKE HANGING OUT IN BIG GROUPS... that way eventhough two people make me feel like a third wheel, there's always a chance to ignore them and have fun with the other people who actually notice you're there.
Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU.
I don't feel pretty. My skin condition doesn't help either. It doesn't help that my skin condition has now made discolorations on my face. Great! Now I feel even uglier. I hate my skin. I hate myself. I feel awkward in two piece bathing suits cause my stretch marks are so visible... it doesn't help that I'm fat either. I'm glad I did lose weight though. The cause? DEPRESSION. I was at 125 lbs before my relationship with George. Now? I'm at 110 lbs. I'm trying to lower it more by watching what I eat and not being a fatass who asks for seconds anymore. It's steady at 110 now. I'm happy that I can fit into size 5 jeans again. My thighs are huge! I'd be lucky to fit into size 3s! My aunt gave me a pair of size 2 jeans I dramatically fit into. I don't think they're really size 2s... they're fucking huge for size 2s.
I think that when people tell me I'm pretty they lie. They're probably only saying it cause they feel bad for me or something. Especially you! You comment on one of my Facebook pictures saying I look ridicuously pretty when in reality I look ugly as fuck in the picture. YOU'RE NOT HELPING! What are you trying to do? Put me even further down to make your pretty little self feel better?!
Nothing has changed really. . .
1. I'm still yearning for July 1st to come faster so I can start earning money again.
2. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I'm happy but I'm still not feeling happy. My mom thinks I'm happy cause she sees me acting all weird and bubbly and "happy," when in reality it's all just a facade.
3. My self-esteem is at an ALL TIME LOW.
I've officially given up on Twitter. Shit is full of people "tweeting" pointless things that just get on my fucking nerves. Nowadays, I just use it as a means of yelling at the world and making known what my non-existent life consists of. In reality, the occurrences in my life are pointless so "tweeting" about them is pointless.
Plus, a certain person's tweets are getting on my nerves. That's right... I'm talking about you Kirsten. THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU! Ok, we get it... you're attractive but you don't need to make it known to the world that guys are "hollering" at you 24 fucking 7. See this is exactly why I don't like hanging out with you at times. It's cause whenever I hang out with you my self-esteem gets lower and lower and even fucking lower. If I were to rate my fucking self-esteem right now it's at a -90682 and the way you act and the things you say make it even lower. SO FUCK IT.
Plus, when I hang out with you lately I feel like a fucking third wheel. Sure, I hang around Rachelle and Sam... they're a couple, but at least they don't make me feel like a fucking third wheel. I'd rather be by myself than hang out with people only to feel like I'm a fucking third wheel. THAT'S WHY I LIKE HANGING OUT IN BIG GROUPS... that way eventhough two people make me feel like a third wheel, there's always a chance to ignore them and have fun with the other people who actually notice you're there.
Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU.
I don't feel pretty. My skin condition doesn't help either. It doesn't help that my skin condition has now made discolorations on my face. Great! Now I feel even uglier. I hate my skin. I hate myself. I feel awkward in two piece bathing suits cause my stretch marks are so visible... it doesn't help that I'm fat either. I'm glad I did lose weight though. The cause? DEPRESSION. I was at 125 lbs before my relationship with George. Now? I'm at 110 lbs. I'm trying to lower it more by watching what I eat and not being a fatass who asks for seconds anymore. It's steady at 110 now. I'm happy that I can fit into size 5 jeans again. My thighs are huge! I'd be lucky to fit into size 3s! My aunt gave me a pair of size 2 jeans I dramatically fit into. I don't think they're really size 2s... they're fucking huge for size 2s.
I think that when people tell me I'm pretty they lie. They're probably only saying it cause they feel bad for me or something. Especially you! You comment on one of my Facebook pictures saying I look ridicuously pretty when in reality I look ugly as fuck in the picture. YOU'RE NOT HELPING! What are you trying to do? Put me even further down to make your pretty little self feel better?!
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