an examination...

It's amazing to feel comfort in the arms of your friends.

F R I D A Y :

I chilled at school with Daniella until I had to leave for the movies. We webcam-whored like no tomorrow. Then she read my last blag entry, looked at me with disappointment and asked, "Let me see." She was looking for the cuts on my wrists. I showed them to her and she told me, "Don't ever do that again you stupid bitch." I then showed her Kirsten's response to my entry. Daniella agreed with everything Kirsten had to say. Then, we webcam-whored some more.

This past Friday night was the best I've had in months. I spent my night roaming around Newport Mall with Calvin, Rachelle, and Carlos. We went to buy our movie tickets, hung out at Babo's in the meantime, then headed back to say hi to a few friends at Maggie Moo's. Then off to the movies. We went to see Obsessed. It was a good movie, despite the bad seats and the raging black woman in the front row who kept yelling "Get her, B!" <--- so annoying.

S A T U R D A Y :

Yesterday sucked as usual. I would have the option of going to this kid Mark's party but I don't belong with those people. They're annoying backstabbers. They're AASU. FUCK YOU ALL! I'm glad I stopped hanging out with you people. I refuse to associate myself with assholes like you. Then.... there was always a party by school but I'd hardly know anyone there... basically just 3 people. So no... Saturday consisted of my mother and I at peace. Then late in the afternoon, once my father came, hell broke loose. He is such an effin asshole. I admit it. He's on the verge of turning 58 and he still needs to grow up and act like a mature adult. I swear that if my mom and I had enough money we'd leave him. He started complaining to my mom about bills and the charge for their life insurance. My mom said, "If I die today, how are you going to bury me?" His response? "I'm going to dump you in the dumpster." FUCK YOU DAD.

S U N D A Y :

Then comes today. The day started off crappy. My dad wouldn't get up to go to Church with my mother and I. He's being such an immature asshole since the night before... dare I say it, even Friday night when he got home from work. He needs to grow up and stop treating me and my mom like dirt. I wish I could tak my mom and myself away from here.

The highlight of my day (so far) is messaging on Facebook with one of my best friends from high school, Chryssa. She read my last entry as well. She got so mad at me that she started yelling at me via Facebook message. Her question: "Why? Why would you let someone touch you like that?" I don't know why I let him do that. I don't know what came over me. I hate myself for it. I hate it. I regret it so much. I'm happy that I didn't give myself fully to him but it feels like I did. I can't believe I let him take advantage of me. I'm really mad at myself and I hate myself. The hallmark of that whole conversation was when Chryssa said this:

"you are better than that.
you are like my big sister.
please do not cut yourself.
please do not think of suicide.
because you will literally make me cry.
i don't want to lose my best friend.
because of a stupid motherfucker.
i am so fucking mad right now.
k? please do not ever say that around me.
i love yaa ate, we all do."

I love her for it. I don't want her to be mad at me. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want her to cry. I want her to still be there for me. Please don't hate me, Chryssa. Please?!

Then, in between Chryssa and I's conversation, my curiousity killed me. Damn you Facebook and your "Highlights" column on the side of the homepage!! I clicked the link to the album this kid Cyrus put up of Mark's party. Guess whose picture captures my line of sight? Of course, my ex-boyfriend's. Apparently, he attended Mark's party... most likely due to the pressure Dyann (his "best friend") gives him. (SERIOUSLY, I THINK YOU'RE HER BITCH!)

I examine the pictures of him. He doesn't look like himself... just like the picture from FIND when some girl was giving him a lap dance. My first thought at that was "He probably misses a girl caressing his crotch." I see him in the corner of a group picture... the caption on that picture: "George Du makes this picture 1000x better.. haha." They tagged him twice in that picture... the second tag? "George Du fucked up.. haha." Then comes a second picture... he looks out of it... the caption? "George... nice lips lmao. Who'd you make out with?"

I know I have no right to look at these pictures... but hello! They're public! So I'm going to react because part of me still cares a lot about him.

Here it goes...

George,

What the fuck is happening to you? Why have you resorted to partying and drinking? I sound like a hypocrite when I say that but it's the truth. What the fuck happened? Why are you doing this to yourself?

One thing I do have to tell you is that you should examine your "friends." You call these people your friends? People who poke fun at you when you're so fucked up. I think they aren't your real friends. Real friends don't make the highlight of their night the fact that you were fucked up. Real friends don't say that having you fucked up in a picture makes the picture so much better. Real friends don't pressure you to drink and once they see you're totally fucked up, they don't "keep them coming." You call people who are amused by you being fucked up and people who want to keep getting you even more fucked up your friends?!

I'm glad I don't surround myself with that fucking AASU crew. The last time I partied with them, after having only a few drinks to keep me from going over the top, they kept asking me to drink when I repetitively told them I was the designated driver and I'd already had enough. The only think keeping me from actually succumbing t pressure and accepting the drinks they handed me? My FRIEND Kirsten. As my real friend, she saw that I already reached my safe limit for the night and couldn't drink any more cause I was the D.D. and one more drink would probably harm my consciousness. How could I drink when her life was in my hands? I was the one driving her home! What if I did drink more than I did and get into an accident and kill myself and Kirsten in the process?!

That went on during the second party as well... yet at that party, I wasn't driving. But when I was almost ready to reach my fucked up limit, Kirsten stopped me. She knew one more drink would send me over the top and her mom would see me fucked up when she would pick us up.

What I'm trying to say is that real friends stop you from drinking too much and fucking yourself up in the process. If real friends see you fucked up, they stop people from offering you drinks and they stop offering you drinks themselves. That's why I surround myself with people I trust and people who have my best interests in mind. Try to see for yourself if your "friends" have your best interests in mind!

But they are not the ones entirely at fault. You are at fault as well for being pressured to go to the party and actually accepting the drinks they repeatedly handed to you. You're pathetic for letting that happen. I don't even know who you are anymore. That's partially why I broke up with you. I saw your changing. Now you're changing even more and I don't know what the fuck happened to the George Du I fell in love with. You're a total different person now. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!

That's all I have to say. I'm happy that I know who my real friends are and that those people have my best interests in mind and they actually care about me enough to have my best interests in mind.

I love my friends.

I HATE MYSELF!

I did some hardcore thinking and revealing in lab today. I opened up to a friend of mine and I revealed to her some of the intimate details between my ex and I. This got me to thinking...

I FEEL LIKE A CHEAP WHORE.

My mom knows the farthest my ex and I have ever gone is the hickeys that appeared on my neck once. She's always asked me otherwise but I tell her no.

I'M A CHEAP WHORE AND A LIAR.

I'm tired of people telling me to move on from you. They don't understand that for me it's just not that simple because of everything that occurred between us. It's easy for you cause you're a typical guy... you used me for sexual purposes. You never really loved me at all!!!

I'M A STUPID, CHEAP, LYING WHORE.

The first time you told me you loved me I wanted you to make sure you really did... after all, you did tell me you loved me the day after we made it official. Then came the time you officially told me you loved me. We were getting carried away in the back seat of my car and you stopped just to tell me something. You said you respected my body and that you respected my virtue and then came the famous "I Love You, Terry." But that was obviously a lie! For all I know, you "loved" me at the beginning of our relationship but then as it progressed and dare I say it - got steamier - you only "loved" me for the pleasure I gave you. You lied to me, didn't you? You used me, didn't you? Did you just use me to fulfill your sexual desires, you asshole?!

I feel so unclean and dirty. I might as well have lost my virginity to you because the stuff we did makes me feel that the only think that kept me a virgin is the fact that you didn't penetrate my vagina. Other than the whole non-penetration thing, I don't really consider myself a virgin. I don't feel like one either... I feel so unclean! The only people who've seen that much of my body (other than myself) is my mom and my pediatrician... but he doesn't count cause I was still a baby then. I can't bear to look at myself naked in the shower anymore because it makes me tell myself: "Oh, he felt you up there" or "He saw you there" or "He felt your naked skin against him" or "He licked your chest there." It pains me to look at myself. I was the one lying in your fucking bed with only panties on and you were the one with like three layers of pants on. WTF?!

I hate myself for giving so much of myself to you. I feel so suicidal and depressed. I started cutting myself again cause my skin is no longer clean. The cuts just release bit and pieces of the pain.

I bet that if I did lose my virginity to you, I'd feel so guilty and absolutely kill myself on the spot. What I regret the most is the fact that I stayed with you past three months. On our three month "monthsary" you told me you loved me and kept telling me that... even as we were dry humping in the back seat of your car. Then hours later on the phone, I fucking ask you if you love me and you're fucking answer was no. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURT?!?! What sucks is that I still stayed with you and it was all cause I loved you so much. I still kept "pleasuring" you past that date even though deep inside the fact that you didn't love me replayed in my mind. Past that date your "I Love You"s during our "back seat fog sessions" were not directed towards me... but possibly towards my body. It was no longer "I Love You, Terry." It was "I love the way you touch me down there, Terry" or "I love having you on top, Terry" or "I love touching your breasts, Terry" or "I love your writhing on me, Terry." You didn't love me. You just loved the way I pleasured you.

I HATE YOU GEORGE DU!!!

BUT MOST OF ALL...

I HATE MYSELF FOR PLEASURING YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR SHOWING SO MUCH OF MYSELF TO YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME IN THE THAT MANNER. I FEEL SO CHEAP. I FEEL SO DIRTY. I FEEL LIKE A WHORE.

I HATE MYSELF!!!

R.I.P. to our love

** On April 19th, I wrote this in a note on Facebook.**

Bleh... I've been single for two months now. The pain STILL lurks. It's hard to let go when you loved someone so much. Maybe I shouldn't have loved you so much. Your love ended at three months... mine still somewhat exists. It's sad to say that I'm not proud of our relationship. I regret it with all of my heart. I regret joining AASU. I regret meeting those people and most of all, I regret meeting you.

When I broke up with you, I did it so that all the tears and fighting would end. Plus, it didn't help that I was loving someone who didn't love me back. I just wanted the pain to go away.

I've tried to get over it. I've tried to allow a smile to grace my face and cover up what's underneath. Yet, what's underneath - all of the pain - still seeps through. It's hard to not be reminded of what we had. The reminders are everywhere - "Whatever You Like" constantly plays on the radio. I can't bear to look at my Pikachu anymore. I threw it to the bottom of my bed. I can't bear to read my "Twilight" books anymore cause everytime I do, I break out in tears. I got the "Twilight" movie on DVD. I've only watched it once. I broke out into tears cause it reminds me of the fact that I went to see the movie with you and of the special bond we shared. Even the commercials for the DVD release of "Yes Man" bothers me. I hate that baseball season is here cause the Yankees are constantly being spoken about and you love the Yankees! It's weird but whenever I see Saturn Vues and Mazda Proteges, I get reminded of you.

I've returned to my old ways - the old me you never saw cause I hide her from everyone. The constant tears, the sleepless nights, my body's intolerance of food, the sudden drop in weight, constantly spitting out depressing poetry, and dare I say it - the cutting and suicidal thoughts. It's all back. It's like the "emo" version of myself at 13 years old has come back but this time, she's come back with a vengeance and she's striking harder cause the pain is striking harder.

~* R.I.P. to our love 10/20/08 to 2/19/09 *~

A quote from a Secondhand Serenade song:

"My tears run down like razorblades.
And no, I'm not the one to blame.
It's you. Or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out,
and then we're all ashamed.
And there's no sense in playing games
when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over. Why is it over?
We had the chance to make it.
Now it's over, it's over. It can't be over.
I wish that I could take it back. But it's over."

Life as I know it.

It's easy to say that life has its ups and downs. Yet, in my case. I tend to dwell on the "downs." Life is not going the way I want it to - but when does it ever?

SLOWLY I am finding out who my true friends are. Ever since my break up with my ex-boyfriend, I felt as though people are turning against me and house some sort of resentment toward me. Some people admitted it and made it clear that they do. One friend told me that the way I handled everything with my ex is the ONLY way some people see me - which brings up the fact that so many people are one sided thinkers. Some people only see one side of the story (my ex's) and ignore the other (mine). Some people - those who I consider to be my real friends - see both sides of the story and understand the way I feel and the way I process my predicament and they still accept me for it. My real friends are the ones who try to console me and cheer me up. And those "friends" of mine that really house resentment toward me but still pretend to me my "friends" .... well news flash to them - you guys aren't my friends... you're all just acquaintances. You don't deserve to be my friends and I don't deserve to be friends with people whose mission in life is to put me down and say shit.

Today, catching up with a friend, with whom I was temporarily disconnected, opened my eyes. At first I thought she had given up on me - that she just got annoyed and tired of all of my problems and ditched me. That's what it felt like the day after my break up. She said she'd be there to console me and cheer me up, and then all of a sudden she ditched me to hang out with her other friends. That hurt me and I disconnected myself from her - but only temporarily. Things started looking up between us when she greeted me a "Happy Birthday" on my birthday. Then we started talking randomly and the concern she showed for me one day just allowed me to feel like we were reconnecting. I admit that I harbored some sort of resentment towards her for ditching me but then I realized that no matter hoe I disconnected myself from her, she still managed to be there for me when she saw that I did. That means a lot. I feel as though we reconnected today - like the girl who I referred to as "SEESTER" really is there for me no matter what.

She put a smile on my face and brightened my rainy day. :D

<3

"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I've expected way less than what I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things can never get back and people who will never be sorry. I know better next time and won't settle for anything less than what I deserve"