I did some hardcore thinking and revealing in lab today. I opened up to a friend of mine and I revealed to her some of the intimate details between my ex and I. This got me to thinking...
I FEEL LIKE A CHEAP WHORE.
My mom knows the farthest my ex and I have ever gone is the hickeys that appeared on my neck once. She's always asked me otherwise but I tell her no.
I'M A CHEAP WHORE AND A LIAR.
I'm tired of people telling me to move on from you. They don't understand that for me it's just not that simple because of everything that occurred between us. It's easy for you cause you're a typical guy... you used me for sexual purposes. You never really loved me at all!!!
I'M A STUPID, CHEAP, LYING WHORE.
The first time you told me you loved me I wanted you to make sure you really did... after all, you did tell me you loved me the day after we made it official. Then came the time you officially told me you loved me. We were getting carried away in the back seat of my car and you stopped just to tell me something. You said you respected my body and that you respected my virtue and then came the famous "I Love You, Terry." But that was obviously a lie! For all I know, you "loved" me at the beginning of our relationship but then as it progressed and dare I say it - got steamier - you only "loved" me for the pleasure I gave you. You lied to me, didn't you? You used me, didn't you? Did you just use me to fulfill your sexual desires, you asshole?!
I feel so unclean and dirty. I might as well have lost my virginity to you because the stuff we did makes me feel that the only think that kept me a virgin is the fact that you didn't penetrate my vagina. Other than the whole non-penetration thing, I don't really consider myself a virgin. I don't feel like one either... I feel so unclean! The only people who've seen that much of my body (other than myself) is my mom and my pediatrician... but he doesn't count cause I was still a baby then. I can't bear to look at myself naked in the shower anymore because it makes me tell myself: "Oh, he felt you up there" or "He saw you there" or "He felt your naked skin against him" or "He licked your chest there." It pains me to look at myself. I was the one lying in your fucking bed with only panties on and you were the one with like three layers of pants on. WTF?!
I hate myself for giving so much of myself to you. I feel so suicidal and depressed. I started cutting myself again cause my skin is no longer clean. The cuts just release bit and pieces of the pain.
I bet that if I did lose my virginity to you, I'd feel so guilty and absolutely kill myself on the spot. What I regret the most is the fact that I stayed with you past three months. On our three month "monthsary" you told me you loved me and kept telling me that... even as we were dry humping in the back seat of your car. Then hours later on the phone, I fucking ask you if you love me and you're fucking answer was no. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURT?!?! What sucks is that I still stayed with you and it was all cause I loved you so much. I still kept "pleasuring" you past that date even though deep inside the fact that you didn't love me replayed in my mind. Past that date your "I Love You"s during our "back seat fog sessions" were not directed towards me... but possibly towards my body. It was no longer "I Love You, Terry." It was "I love the way you touch me down there, Terry" or "I love having you on top, Terry" or "I love touching your breasts, Terry" or "I love your writhing on me, Terry." You didn't love me. You just loved the way I pleasured you.
I HATE YOU GEORGE DU!!!
BUT MOST OF ALL...
I HATE MYSELF FOR PLEASURING YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR SHOWING SO MUCH OF MYSELF TO YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME IN THE THAT MANNER. I FEEL SO CHEAP. I FEEL SO DIRTY. I FEEL LIKE A WHORE.
I HATE MYSELF!!!
I FEEL LIKE A CHEAP WHORE.
My mom knows the farthest my ex and I have ever gone is the hickeys that appeared on my neck once. She's always asked me otherwise but I tell her no.
I'M A CHEAP WHORE AND A LIAR.
I'm tired of people telling me to move on from you. They don't understand that for me it's just not that simple because of everything that occurred between us. It's easy for you cause you're a typical guy... you used me for sexual purposes. You never really loved me at all!!!
I'M A STUPID, CHEAP, LYING WHORE.
The first time you told me you loved me I wanted you to make sure you really did... after all, you did tell me you loved me the day after we made it official. Then came the time you officially told me you loved me. We were getting carried away in the back seat of my car and you stopped just to tell me something. You said you respected my body and that you respected my virtue and then came the famous "I Love You, Terry." But that was obviously a lie! For all I know, you "loved" me at the beginning of our relationship but then as it progressed and dare I say it - got steamier - you only "loved" me for the pleasure I gave you. You lied to me, didn't you? You used me, didn't you? Did you just use me to fulfill your sexual desires, you asshole?!
I feel so unclean and dirty. I might as well have lost my virginity to you because the stuff we did makes me feel that the only think that kept me a virgin is the fact that you didn't penetrate my vagina. Other than the whole non-penetration thing, I don't really consider myself a virgin. I don't feel like one either... I feel so unclean! The only people who've seen that much of my body (other than myself) is my mom and my pediatrician... but he doesn't count cause I was still a baby then. I can't bear to look at myself naked in the shower anymore because it makes me tell myself: "Oh, he felt you up there" or "He saw you there" or "He felt your naked skin against him" or "He licked your chest there." It pains me to look at myself. I was the one lying in your fucking bed with only panties on and you were the one with like three layers of pants on. WTF?!
I hate myself for giving so much of myself to you. I feel so suicidal and depressed. I started cutting myself again cause my skin is no longer clean. The cuts just release bit and pieces of the pain.
I bet that if I did lose my virginity to you, I'd feel so guilty and absolutely kill myself on the spot. What I regret the most is the fact that I stayed with you past three months. On our three month "monthsary" you told me you loved me and kept telling me that... even as we were dry humping in the back seat of your car. Then hours later on the phone, I fucking ask you if you love me and you're fucking answer was no. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURT?!?! What sucks is that I still stayed with you and it was all cause I loved you so much. I still kept "pleasuring" you past that date even though deep inside the fact that you didn't love me replayed in my mind. Past that date your "I Love You"s during our "back seat fog sessions" were not directed towards me... but possibly towards my body. It was no longer "I Love You, Terry." It was "I love the way you touch me down there, Terry" or "I love having you on top, Terry" or "I love touching your breasts, Terry" or "I love your writhing on me, Terry." You didn't love me. You just loved the way I pleasured you.
I HATE YOU GEORGE DU!!!
BUT MOST OF ALL...
I HATE MYSELF FOR PLEASURING YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR SHOWING SO MUCH OF MYSELF TO YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME IN THE THAT MANNER. I FEEL SO CHEAP. I FEEL SO DIRTY. I FEEL LIKE A WHORE.
I HATE MYSELF!!!
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