this one is for you, KB...
1. It may seem like I'm shunning you for new people but that's only cause I'm trying to make new friends and get to know more people. I haven't forgotten about who were my friends first, trust me. I just want to make new friends and get to know more people cause frankly I want my circle of friends to grow and I have difficulty making friends. I'VE NEVER HAD THIS MANY FRIENDS and I'm proud of all the friendships I've made and I'm proud that I found out who my true friends are. Why do you think I never made any friends til my junior year of high school? I always struggle to keep friendships thriving cause my friendships always end up failing me. So can you blame me for constantly trying to make new friends?
If it felt like I was shunning you when I was talking to Emmanuel about the bodily pain I was experiencing, it's cause I was really in pain and you found it to make a joke about my pain, which I don't appreciate. I knew in the end that you were joking but your joke greatly affected me.
2. If you're tired of my emo tweets then that means you're tired of me. Cause quite frankly, I'm an emotional person. Feel free to abandon me cause of it. George and Armand had no problem easing away from me cause I was so emotional... It's just the way I am. If you can't accept that, then I understand if you ease away from me just like they did. People have been doing that lately, but it's the people who see me and my emo self and actually stick with me and try to cheer me up that I love.
And my cute Tweets? That was at the times when I found temporary happiness... emphasis on temporary. You don't know how difficult my home life is making it for me to be happy and bring back that side of me that unleashed all those cute tweets.
3. I know everyone else has their own problems and that I'm not the center of attention. Why the heck do you think I don't reply to your @terry__berry tweets? Cause I know you don't like hearing my problems. When you and I was "separated" from each other, I had Calvin to turn to and he told me that you started acting different towards me cause you didn't like listening to my problems. So why do you think I don't like telling you my problems?! Cause Calvin told me you didn't want to hear them and I don't like burdening people with my problems.
Frankly, I don't know why you do care about me... As a matter of fact, I felt like you stopped caring after you found Eddie. After all, you two make me feel like a third wheel. Why do you think I get emo when I'm around the two of you? It's cause I feel excluded and cause I miss having something like that. The closeness you two has brings back BAD memories of what I had with George. It hurts me to see it.
4. Frankly, I don't think you understand my money situation. You can try but you never will understand it. WHY? You have probably never been through anything like this in your life. You're one of the privilaged few. Have you ever feared getting your car repossessed or feared getting evicted from your home? Cause that's what I go through all the time. I have no clue where to get money to help my parents while my friends are out there throwing money around like it grows on trees. I'd be happy if I see at least $5 dollars in my wallet... but I don't. Do you know how I feel when my friends are constantly flaunting their ability to buy new things around me? And I'm there broke as fuck? Why the fuck do I wear the same clothes and shoes all the time? I have no money to buy any. I'm tired of this shit. I'd like to treat myself to get new clothes and stuff but where will I get the money? Probably when I'm done paying the $3000 of debt I'm already in cause I can't pay my laptop, and I am way over the limit on my credit card cause I didn't even use it to treat myself but instead I used it to pay my family's bills!
5. Am I afraid of telling you how I feel? NO. But I choose not to cause you probably don't want to hear it like Calvin said. Instead I chose to blog about it cause I let out feelings better when I type everything out. If I were talking to you on the phone, I might leave something out.
P.S. I still care about you. Why do you think that when you weren't answering any of my texts and tweets, I constantly called you? But you decided to ignore my worries and tell Eddie to tell me. Frankly, I don't want to hear it from Eddie. I want to hear it from you. He's not my best friend. You are. You used to tell me everything first... even when you were with Justin. But now that you're with Eddie, it's not like that anymore. Hello, there are other people in this world that care about you besides Eddie! And unlike what Calvin told me about you, not wanting to hear my problems, I actually want to hear your problems cause I really do care.
6. "Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU."
You don't know what this means so let me make it clear. When we were at the beach, whenever it was just you, me and Eddie, I felt like the third wheel so I went to talk to Hai (mainly cause I was slightly attracted to him) to avoid becoming the third wheel. Then as soon as I started talking to him, all he did was ask me about you. This isn't the first time this has happened. Remember when we got our fitteds made fall semester? The guy pretended to flirt with me just so he could get your number. I'm like the go-to person for Kirsten info. And it hurts... cause just for a second you think a guy is really attracted to you but in reality he's using you cause he's attracted to your friend. And that shoots my self-esteem all the way down. Hence, one reason why I don't feel pretty.
7. You're right. I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I DON'T! Smiling is a foreign concept to me. That picture was one of the ones where I hid my tears behind a smile. Do you know how many things were stressing me out that day? But I hid everything. I was happy that day... I admit it. It didn't last for long though. IT NEVER DOES. I don't even know who I genuinely am anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy - to be carefree.
1. It may seem like I'm shunning you for new people but that's only cause I'm trying to make new friends and get to know more people. I haven't forgotten about who were my friends first, trust me. I just want to make new friends and get to know more people cause frankly I want my circle of friends to grow and I have difficulty making friends. I'VE NEVER HAD THIS MANY FRIENDS and I'm proud of all the friendships I've made and I'm proud that I found out who my true friends are. Why do you think I never made any friends til my junior year of high school? I always struggle to keep friendships thriving cause my friendships always end up failing me. So can you blame me for constantly trying to make new friends?
If it felt like I was shunning you when I was talking to Emmanuel about the bodily pain I was experiencing, it's cause I was really in pain and you found it to make a joke about my pain, which I don't appreciate. I knew in the end that you were joking but your joke greatly affected me.
2. If you're tired of my emo tweets then that means you're tired of me. Cause quite frankly, I'm an emotional person. Feel free to abandon me cause of it. George and Armand had no problem easing away from me cause I was so emotional... It's just the way I am. If you can't accept that, then I understand if you ease away from me just like they did. People have been doing that lately, but it's the people who see me and my emo self and actually stick with me and try to cheer me up that I love.
And my cute Tweets? That was at the times when I found temporary happiness... emphasis on temporary. You don't know how difficult my home life is making it for me to be happy and bring back that side of me that unleashed all those cute tweets.
3. I know everyone else has their own problems and that I'm not the center of attention. Why the heck do you think I don't reply to your @terry__berry tweets? Cause I know you don't like hearing my problems. When you and I was "separated" from each other, I had Calvin to turn to and he told me that you started acting different towards me cause you didn't like listening to my problems. So why do you think I don't like telling you my problems?! Cause Calvin told me you didn't want to hear them and I don't like burdening people with my problems.
Frankly, I don't know why you do care about me... As a matter of fact, I felt like you stopped caring after you found Eddie. After all, you two make me feel like a third wheel. Why do you think I get emo when I'm around the two of you? It's cause I feel excluded and cause I miss having something like that. The closeness you two has brings back BAD memories of what I had with George. It hurts me to see it.
4. Frankly, I don't think you understand my money situation. You can try but you never will understand it. WHY? You have probably never been through anything like this in your life. You're one of the privilaged few. Have you ever feared getting your car repossessed or feared getting evicted from your home? Cause that's what I go through all the time. I have no clue where to get money to help my parents while my friends are out there throwing money around like it grows on trees. I'd be happy if I see at least $5 dollars in my wallet... but I don't. Do you know how I feel when my friends are constantly flaunting their ability to buy new things around me? And I'm there broke as fuck? Why the fuck do I wear the same clothes and shoes all the time? I have no money to buy any. I'm tired of this shit. I'd like to treat myself to get new clothes and stuff but where will I get the money? Probably when I'm done paying the $3000 of debt I'm already in cause I can't pay my laptop, and I am way over the limit on my credit card cause I didn't even use it to treat myself but instead I used it to pay my family's bills!
5. Am I afraid of telling you how I feel? NO. But I choose not to cause you probably don't want to hear it like Calvin said. Instead I chose to blog about it cause I let out feelings better when I type everything out. If I were talking to you on the phone, I might leave something out.
P.S. I still care about you. Why do you think that when you weren't answering any of my texts and tweets, I constantly called you? But you decided to ignore my worries and tell Eddie to tell me. Frankly, I don't want to hear it from Eddie. I want to hear it from you. He's not my best friend. You are. You used to tell me everything first... even when you were with Justin. But now that you're with Eddie, it's not like that anymore. Hello, there are other people in this world that care about you besides Eddie! And unlike what Calvin told me about you, not wanting to hear my problems, I actually want to hear your problems cause I really do care.
6. "Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU."
You don't know what this means so let me make it clear. When we were at the beach, whenever it was just you, me and Eddie, I felt like the third wheel so I went to talk to Hai (mainly cause I was slightly attracted to him) to avoid becoming the third wheel. Then as soon as I started talking to him, all he did was ask me about you. This isn't the first time this has happened. Remember when we got our fitteds made fall semester? The guy pretended to flirt with me just so he could get your number. I'm like the go-to person for Kirsten info. And it hurts... cause just for a second you think a guy is really attracted to you but in reality he's using you cause he's attracted to your friend. And that shoots my self-esteem all the way down. Hence, one reason why I don't feel pretty.
7. You're right. I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I DON'T! Smiling is a foreign concept to me. That picture was one of the ones where I hid my tears behind a smile. Do you know how many things were stressing me out that day? But I hid everything. I was happy that day... I admit it. It didn't last for long though. IT NEVER DOES. I don't even know who I genuinely am anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy - to be carefree.
No comments:
Post a Comment