R E F L E C T I O N .

I haven't blogged in a couple of days. I finally connected to wifi today. :)

The last couple of days have been HELL. I desperately need that beach getaway on Saturday to relieve stress. This is the reason for all of those emo Tweets, Kirsten.

All it's been about is money money money. My parents are constantly fighting over it. I'm constantly stressing over it. I won't have any money until I start my work study job again. And when will that be? JULY 1st! I went all the way to SPC yesterday just to find out that I won't have a job for another month or more. Great. I only have like $11 in my checking and $2 in my savings and a measly $23 bucks in my wallet which I'm saving for the beach on Saturday. It doesn't help that I can't use my car cause my insurance was canceled cause we haven't had money to pay... a car that was in danger of repossession a month ago but they decided not to take it back cause of the depreciation of its value. The only bright side is that I received a paycheck from SPC in the mail today... for $16. It went directly to my savings! I wonder if I can make it last til the 1st of July...

My parents situation allowed me to reflect on other matters as well. Like how much I despise my father. Armand smitted me for saying my dad was a jerk. He said that he loves his parents and would never say anything like that about them. BUT IT'S TRUE THOUGH! MY DAD IS A COMPLETE JERK! No one knows what my family situation is like. The only person who did know was my ex George and that's only cause I called him so many times on the phone sobbing over the fact that my parents were fighting again. He was the only one capable of calming me down at times like these. Now I have no one and I just keep all my pain bottled up inside until I get into the shower and just stand there sobbing my eyes out. My mom hates seeing me cry so I try my hardest not to let her see me cry cause it greatly affects her. Imagine how she felt when I was as emo as a mother fucker months ago. I cried almost everyday and every night and she hated it. I don't want her to keep seeing me like this.

Why is my dad a jerk? How would you feel if your parents fought so much that your mom would threaten to jump out of a moving car on a highway cause she couldn't take your dad screaming at her and fighting with her? How would you feel if your parents were having a fight over not being able to pay life insurance and your mom would ask your dad, "If I died today, where would you get the money to bury me?" and he responds, "I don't care I'll dump your body in the dumpster." How would you feel if see your mom crying for years over the fact that your dad fully admitted to not loving her anymore after she got laid off from her job? And when did my mom get laid off from her job? WHEN I WAS 7! Just cause my mom couldn't bring anymore money to the table, my dad began resenting her. This effin bullshit has gone on for 12 years! The last time my dad showed hardly any resentment to my mom was when she found a job during my junior year of high school. It was through that job that she paid for my debut. She lost that job cause her boss decided to retire and decided that he didn't need her services anymore. She lost that job right before I started college. I hate my father for all he's put my mother through. Why hasn't she left him? CAUSE OF ME. This is the epitome of the phrase "Stay together for the kids."

I love my mom for still putting up with my dad all these years just cause of my well-being... cause she doesn't want me to have a broken family. I'm so sorry for all the pain I put her through because she already receives enough from my father and I'm not supposed to make it harder for her. I'm supposed to be there for her and relieve her, not fight with her and scream at her like what usually occurs. I love you so much & I'M SO SORRY, MOMMY.

Imagine how I feel when I see couples so in love accompanying their children. Imagine how I feel when I see any of my friends' parents kiss and I see the love they have for each other. Imagine how I feel when I see my dad approaches us during peace at mass every Sunday, and when he reaches for my mom's hand in peace and he can barely look her in the eye. Imagine how I feel being a little 7 year old girl lying in her bed hearing her dad scream and her mother sobbing in the living room. It's been like that for years. I'm jealous of every happy family I see cause I know that the last time I felt something like that was before my mom lost her job when I was 7. I haven't felt like that at all since. During my debut, the DJ asked my parents to dance. My dad denied. My own parents didn't even dance together at my debut. They don't show any love or affection whatsoever to each other. I'm jealous of people with parents who love and adore each other.

Maybe this is why I'm so bent over looking for love. I want something that my parents don't have. I want to find that love that's everlasting unlike my parents'. I'm bent over the fact that I'm searching for a relationship TOTALLY unlike the one my parents have. I realize that if my soul mate was like my father, I'd probably end up just like my mom. Maybe that's why things didn't work out with me and my prom date. My dad was just like him when he was his age... the drinking... the drugs. Even my mom sees that if I were to end up with Peter, I'd end up with someone like my father. AND I DON'T WANT TO. I know that God loves me and hopefully He won't match me up with a guy who will possess the same fucked up mindset as my good for nothing father. I want a guy who will love me, and at times of hardships he will stand by me no matter what.

Like Richard said, "I'll be happier when fate lends me a helping hand with love."

breakthrough?

It was 1:43 in the morning. I'm in the bedroom and mom's yelling at me to get off the computer and go to sleep. Lucky for her, my wifi connection decided to give in. I decided to confront her for the second time about giving me more freedom and allowing me to hang out with my friends more. We both started raising our voices at each other. She keeps complaining about the fact that she doesn't know who the fuck I hang out with. DOES SHE WANT A DETAILED PROFILE OF EVERYONE I HANG OUT WITH?! My dad walks in from the kitchen telling both of us to shut up. My mom starts telling him about all the stuff I said about them having me on "house arrest." My dad tells my mom to just let me be and starts correcting me about the whole "house arrest" thing. He said it's alright as long as I don't get in trouble or come home in bad shape. I thought to myself, "Hmm... Did he just say yes? Could this be the start of your new life?" I went to sleep pondering this.

I went to church at St. Al's in Jersey City today. We didn't have time to make it to the 12'o clock mass we usually attend at our parish. We went to lunch at Fiesta Grill. psh, we always go there after mass at St. Al's. I saw Vann again. teehee... He's hot. My dad talks to him whenever we go there. Boy couldn't believe I was already in college. Shock and awe much? BUT Before my dad went to talk to him, my dad and I spoke more about the whole hanging out with friends thing. My dad said it was alright as long as I don't get hurt or get in trouble. He just wants me to be cautious with my surroundings and the people around me. COULD THIS BE A BREAKTHROUGH?! Did I finally get through to my parents?

Sure, I'm a cautious person. First of all, when I go to parties, I always get my own drinks and never accept ones from people I don't know. Plus, even if I do drink at parties, I know my limit so I don't have to be one of those fools stumbling over their own two feet with no clue where they are or what day it is. Second, I've been invited to do drugs so many times but I never do because a. I don't want to bring harm to my body and b. I don't want my parents to get mad at me. I guess I just have to tell my parents who I'm with and where I am and I always have to keep my cell phone handy.

START OF A NEW LIFE?
BREAKTHROUGH?
only time will tell...

"patience is a virtue."

After posting my last blog, I've done a lot of thinking. Eh - that's one of my problems... I think too much and worry too much. I've tried to examine what exactly is wrong with me.

1. I think too much.
2. I worry too much.
3. I'm impatient.
4. I'm a hopeless romantic. (emphasis on hopeless.)
5. I'm too emotional.
6. I'm too forgiving.
7. I regret a lot of things.
8. I second-guess myself constantly.

I'm pretty sure that there's more things to add to that list. I'm glad that Richard commented on my last entry cause his comment has given me something to think about.

Let me dwell on the key points...

1. "love is going to come, the problem with you is that you're actively looking." Yup. That ties in with problem #4. I am a hopeless romantic. I don't know why I am actively looking for love. I don't know if it's cause love has slapped me in the face a couple of times. Well I admit it... I've only been in love once. And sure, love is all about trial and error, and it is from those errors that you learn. My mom constantly tells me that God separated George and I for a reason and that reason is that God didn't want to see the hurt George inflicted on me to go any further. I thought about it and I figure that God used George to teach me a lesson and to allow me to learn more about loving another. Being with George was God's way of telling me to "wake up and smell the coffee" before I fall in love with the person who I'll spend the rest of my life with. I admit that I don't have much experience when it comes to love and being with George taught me many valuable lessons.

2. "i think you should just enjoy life and take it for what it is, and maybe by doing that you'll meet someone that'll sweep you off your feet." I want to get out and enjoy life. I want to discover new things and become more outgoing. I admit that before college, I wasn't so outgoing. I was overcome by the introvert within me. I'm happy that the extrovert within me is slowly coming to surface. Yet, how am I supposed to get out and do things if all my parents do is deny me that right. I find that I discover new things when I'm in the presence of my friends. I love my friends and I love spending time with them. Whenever I ask to hang out with my friends, my parents say no. It's rare that they say yes. And why do they say yes? It's apparently cause they know who I'm hanging out with. If I say that I'm planning to go somewhere with Chryssa or Sam or Megan or Monica or Cheryl or Kirsten or Calvin, they're fine with it. If I mention hanging out with other people, they say no. Why? Cause they have no clue who the heck I'm hanging out with. I realize that I only got to hang out with people they didn't know in the first place cause I had someone they know with me, whether it be Kirsten or George. They probably would have never allowed me to go to Stevens, but they did cause I was going with Kirsten. They would have probably never allowed me to attend AASU events fall semester, but they did cause I was with George at the time. Don't get me wrong. I want my parents to meet my friends cause then maybe - just maybe - they'd let me out of the house more.

3. "maybe i'll find someone later but while that person hasn't crossed my way yet, i find happiness in my friends." I love my friends and I wouldn't give them up for anything or anyone. I'm sorry that during my relationship with George, I pushed away two of my best friends. That's one lesson I learned. I pushed away the only people who'd stick with me through that time and I kept nearest to me a guy who just ended up tearing my heart to shreds. I put him before a lot of things and I regret doing that. I find happiness in the arms of my friends and I wouldn't give that up for anything. When I do find someone new, that person will have to go through my friends cause my friends look out for what my best interest and they'll know whether or not that guy deserves me. Richard said, "your friends are your pillars of strength" and that's definitely true on my end.

4. "whatever's past is past, just keep on chuggin' forward without regretting or second-guessing." That's another one of my problems. I have so many regrets. I guess I regret everything that I've done that ended up hurting me. And I always second-guess myself. Just ask my anatomy professor. She yelled at me for constantly second-guessing myself during my anatomy final this spring semester. I have kept "chuggin" forward though. See? Despite all of my suicidal thoughts and attempts, I am still alive and standing - well, barely standing cause my legs tend to hurt but I'm still standing nonetheless.

*sadface*

Why can't I find happiness? I always always end up crying. Happiness might be within my grasp but then it always seems to slip away. Why can't I be happy for long periods of time or even one whole day?! Something always ruins it for me.

Whenever I find some form of happiness, it slips away.

Whenever I finally become happy with someone, they slip away.

I always ask myself this question: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?! I'm starting to think there is. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not meant to love anyone or have anyone love me.

WILL I EVER FIND HAPPINESS?!

~*~

* To those people who "love" me and/or "care about" me, I don't know what I did to deserve your love or attention. Thank you.

* To those guys who made me a happy girl MOMENTARILY, I still thank you... even though you ended up hurting me.

- George... when we were together, you made me so happy even though it may seem like you didn't cause I was always crying. Heck, you said that you don't believe you ever made me happy. DAMN IT, GEORGE DU, YOU DID MAKE ME HAPPY! DON'T THINK OTHERWISE! Believe me, at the beginning of our relationship, my tears were only attributed to the problems I had within my family and not with you... yet. It's obvious what that "... yet" means because soon my emotions took over me cause it was not only my family stressing me out, but you as well. Oh well - you made me happy... momentarily, for a good 3 months.

- Armand... HA! Believe me, you made me happy. I thought I would never find happiness with another guy after the way things ended with George. The day I met you, I had so much troubling me and my visit to Stevens helped alleviate those troubles from my mind. That Friday and Monday that I actually got to spend time alone with you - I was happy as fuck! I had no troubles in my mind, no worries. You made all of that possible. Then things changed (probably cause of me) and you said you're "too happy for me." I admit it - that's probably true.I'm not a happy person but those few days I got to spend with you made me feel like I was the happiest girl in the world. You'll probably never know that.

* To my friends and best friends who have always made and kept me happy at those rare times, thank you.

In general, my friends... you are my #1 source of happiness. BELIEVE ME. You guys keep my mind off of my problems. I am rarely happy and I'm glad to admit that whenever I spend time with you guys, I always find some way to become happy. That's why I love spending time with you guys!

- Kirsten... my seester/girlfrannnnn. I never thought you and I would ever become this close. I never thought that I'd find a friend in you. Heck, you know more about me than my own parents. I'm sorry for alienating you during my relationship with George. I'M REALLY SORRY. I changed my ways around you and you did not deserve that. I was there for you when you were having problems with that asshole Justin. You tried to be there for me when I was having problems with George, but I pushed you away. I'M SORRY.

Remember when I started out with George and you invaded our walls? You said "for the record i love you MORE than George, forevers!" You were right about that. It's like no matter how much I may have annoyed you in the past or how I alienated you when you tried to be there for me, you are still there for me. Why are you still there for me?! LOL. I thank you for that. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems. I have way too many problems in my life and I don't like burdening people with them. Believe me, I feel like such a burden - not just to you but to a lot of people. I don't ever want to lose you. SORRY SEESTER!

- Calvin... you tried to be there for me and like Kirsten, I pushed you away. You tried to help me and I pushed you away.

Remember all of this? (YAY for AIM logs!)

cal8675 (11:02:05 PM): why the hell am i talking to u then????????? of course i care!!!!
cal8675 (11:02:13 PM): u make me want to call suicide prevention
cal8675 (11:02:59 PM): you'll give me a heart attack before i can reach the age of 19

cal8675 (11:05:53 PM): people go through stuff like this all the time
cal8675 (11:05:58 PM): u aren't the first
cal8675 (11:06:01 PM): or the last
cal8675 (11:06:06 PM): to feel like this
cal8675 (11:06:14 PM): but everyone learns to move on
cal8675 (11:06:27 PM): i don't know what else to say
cal8675 (11:06:31 PM): it is up to u
cal8675 (11:06:36 PM): i'll be there for u

cal8675 (11:12:45 PM): you know im here for you
girlLOVESromance (11:12:50 PM): ARE YOU?
cal8675 (11:13:12 PM): im talking to you......and i haven't packed for my trip yet.....and my flight leaves at 7am
cal8675 (11:13:24 PM): i have to get up at 4
cal8675 (11:13:32 PM): and i am still talking to you
cal8675 (11:13:35 PM): because i care

cal8675 (11:15:40 PM): i try to help u but you always question me
cal8675 (11:15:48 PM): it hurts

I'M SO SORRY for making you want to call suicide prevention! I'M SO SORRY for questioning and doubting that you're there for me. I'M REALLY SORRY. I can't believe all that I put you through... my suicidal IMs and texts, and my sobs over the phone. I'm sorry. You always found a way to empathize with me. You've probably grown tired of hearing me complain and seeing me cry. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems. You're my best guy friend and I don't want to lose you. You have enough problems of your own to deal with and you don't deserve to have my problems burdening you as well.

- Chryssa... I love you forevers. You've been my best friend (well along with Sam, Megs, Mon Mon, & Steph) ever since my junior year of high school. I never formed a real friendship until my junior year of high school. I never found real friends until I met the five of you.

Remember this?

"you are better than that.
you are like my big sister.
please do not cut yourself.
please do not think of suicide.
because you will literally make me cry.
i don't want to lose my best friend.
because of a stupid motherfucker.
i am so fucking mad right now.
k? please do not ever say that around me.
i love yaa ate, we all do."

I love you for saying that. I don't ever want you to be mad at me. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to cry. I want you to still be there for me. Please don't hate me, Chryssa. Please?! I'm sorry for sending you really emo messages on Facebook. I'm sorry for calling you over the phone sobbing while you were still at MSMC. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems.

I remember that I did make all of you mad at me toward the end of junior year and into the beginning of senior year. I'm happy that we worked through those differences cause you guys are like sisters to me and I would never ever give up our friendship for anything. Remember my prom date Peter? Well he had this philosophy that the friends you make in high school won't carry over to college. WELL HE'S DEAD WRONG! Our friendship is a clear example of how wrong he is. Look at us. Steph and I go to school at SPC (but she's leaving SPC) and you go to school at MSMC, Sam goes to SVA and Megs goes to Drexel... heck, I don't even know what college Mon Mon is going to - but the point is that no matter how far some of you may be from me, we still manage to keep in touch and keep our friendship strong. Yay for summer '09 so we can all catch up!

I guess the point of this blog is that I'm grateful for the guys who made me a happy girl MOMENTARILY and I'm extremely grateful for my friends and for my best friends who have always made and kept me happy at those rare times. I don't want to lose what we have guys and I'm really sorry for burdening you all with my problems.

"Baby, this is tragic cause we had it. We was magic."

chyeah. I said it. Friggin Armand Reyes, how that song haunts me!!!

GRR!

1. That jerk I met at orientation that used me IMd me out of nowhere:

MusasianHippie (9:57:29 PM): Um don't freak out. It's Arturo
girlLOVESromance (9:57:36 PM): wow
girlLOVESromance (9:57:38 PM): okies
girlLOVESromance (9:59:12 PM): . . .
MusasianHippie (10:01:08 PM): Alright well I just IMed because, we pretty much stoped talking on bad terms. And I just wanted to say sorry. I don't know how else to say it

P.S. You spelled STOPPED wrong.

2. My ex wrote a note on Facebook... one of those survey thingys...

"- Been in Love: yes"

HAHA I was responsible for that LOL

3. OH ARMAND. I don't know what came over me... why did I IM you?! AHH!

flipballer730 (2:03:42 AM): night terry g
girlLOVESromance (2:03:48 AM): night jerk
girlLOVESromance (2:03:51 AM): ;)
flipballer730 is away (2:04:11 AM)
tell me now, can you make it past your caspers so we can finally fly off into NASA?
girlLOVESromance (2:04:34 AM): NICE AWAY MESSAGE!
girlLOVESromance (2:04:40 AM): GRR!!!
girlLOVESromance (2:07:07 AM): that song is haunting me by the way

hmm... the song "Knock You Down" haunts me so much. It's one of the last things you said to me when I saw you on that infamous Monday. It was also something you reminded me of during that infamous Saturday night phone call. I thought I was over this... over the chance of us getting somewhere. Now, I don't know anymore. Do you still want to "fly off into NASA" with me?! I'm confused. Are your "feelings" still there? Mine are still somewhat present. Do you still want me to be the Eve to your Wall-E? I'm confused.

On the bright side, I had another delightful conversation with Steven over AIM tonight ;D teehee...

ano ba?!

Life. HMMPH.

I'm highly disappointed in myself... academically. Ever since grammar school I was an honor roll student. I always managed to get good grades. Now that I'm in college it's so different. I've never gotten Cs and Ds as final grades before.

FALL SEMESTER 08:
Anatomy & Physiology I: C+
English Composition: A-
The Western Tradition (History): D
Intro to Professional Nursing: B+
Spanish for Health Care Professions I: B+
Religious Faith - Modern World (Theology): B

SPRING SEMESTER 09:
Anatomy & Physiology II: B
World Perspectives in History (History): C
Intro to Psychology: B
Spanish for Health Care Professions II: B-
Christianity - Contemporary Era (Theology): B

I know I could have done better but COLLEGE IS A BITCH! It helps a little that I already took the English classes I have to take during my sophomore year. Thank God for SPC's Special Program for Credit! I have those out of the way at least... A- for Poetry and Drama and A- for Fiction! But then my schedule for my first semester of sophomore year is BEAUTIFUL!

FALL SEMESTER 09: Basic Microbiology, Life Span Development, Math for the Health Sciences, and Theoretical Foundations of Professional Nursing. Plus, I have to take Intro to Visual Arts to fill in the gap from not taking Poetry and Drama. At least I now have that out of the way for senior year :)

It really doesn't help that my GPA is a 2.867 and I think I need a 3.0 to keep my scholarship. I'm afraid, DAMN IT!

FRESHMAN YEAR.

Okie dokie. So I have one more final left today... PSYCHOLOGY. FUN! ...not! It's amazing to see that my freshman year has come to a close and so quickly.

I'm proud to say that I'm ending it on a good note academically. So far, out of my five classes, I have successfully passed three... three that I thought I'd fail. Anatomy: B, Theology: B, Spanish: B-! Now I'm just waiting on the results of history and I still have to take my psych final!

Other than my academic stress this year, there's been so much other stress - from family, friends, and love.

F A M I L Y .

Family has provided me with the most stress this academic year. My parents' constant fighting is taking a toll on me - especially when they fight over money (which is what they ALWAYS fight about!). That's what stresses me academically. If I don't work hard enough and maintain my scholarship, where are my parents going to get money to pay for school?!

F R I E N D S .

Freshman year at SPC has been all about the loss and gain of friendships. I went into college saying I'd be more outgoing than I used to be and make new friendships. I did. Some I maintained and some deteriorated right before my eyes.

* The downfall of NCLEX and Sexy Sigma Psi was the first victim. Out of that downfall I've only managed to keep my friendship with Kirsten <-- my seester/GIRLFRANNNNN/college best friend. My relations with the others are not as great.

* AASU = biggest downfall of them all! From entering that club with NCLEX to staying there cause I fell in love with the vice president to being shunned cause I those one sided people hate me for breaking their precious VP's heart (not knowing the hurt he inflicted on me) to finding out I lost the election for E-Board secretary all cause of my downfall with George... AASU CAN KISS MY ASS! No matter how much Phil says he's going to change that club, I refuse to believe him. They're always going to be their own elite clique of one-sided thinkers. I did manage to keep friendships with Calvin, Jean, and Rachelle though. I loves them forever!

* STEVENS = newly found friendships. I wish I met these people earlier in the year. That way I could've gotten to know all of them more before summer... especially Armand. If I met him earlier then it might've worked out with me and him. OH WELL. I'm glad I met them though... Richard, Justine, Cianyl Mae, Eddie, Steven (Eddie's Little), Dan, Izzy, the rest of Nu Alpha Phi, and whoever else I might have forgotten to mention... They're great people! I loves them forever, too!

* And how can I forget everyone else:

- Stephanie and Daniella, my fellow SPC Peacocks who I've been friends with since high school: Steph since junior year and Daniella since senior year. I'll always love these two.

- Jane who's a great person and confidant. I love her!

- Matt who goes to Stony Brook but I met at AASU's "Wanna Canta?" It's been great having him to talk to on the phone and messaging him back and forth on Facebook. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

- Kat aka Phil's honey! I don't know what to say about her cause she's sitting right next to me but I loves her!

- Jeffrey who is one of George's best friends but has managed to still be friends with me and provide me with the greatest advice and has listened to me rant about all my problems. Same with Ryan aka Jean's honey. Oh he's had to put up with my ranting too!

- Did I forget anyone? I D K ...

L O V E .

From meeting a guy at orientation who ended up using me and being total jerk... to meeting a cocky guido that stood me up (HAHA KB chased him down)...to meeting and falling in love with George, a guy who I perceived to be my own personal "Edward Cullen"... to meeting and falling in like with Armand, a guy who I called my "Wall-E"... My freshman year has been filled with romantic trial and error! F A I L !

No matter what... I'm proud of the excitement of my freshman year. Despite all of the hurt and stress, I have managed to cultivate new friendships and learns various lessons about love - all of which I will cherish.

GOODBYE FRESHMAN YEAR. HELLO SUMMER VACATION. SEE YOU SOON (BUT NOT TOO SOON. LET ME ENJOY MY SUMMER!) SOPHOMORE YEAR!