After posting my last blog, I've done a lot of thinking. Eh - that's one of my problems... I think too much and worry too much. I've tried to examine what exactly is wrong with me.
1. I think too much.
2. I worry too much.
3. I'm impatient.
4. I'm a hopeless romantic. (emphasis on hopeless.)
5. I'm too emotional.
6. I'm too forgiving.
7. I regret a lot of things.
8. I second-guess myself constantly.
I'm pretty sure that there's more things to add to that list. I'm glad that Richard commented on my last entry cause his comment has given me something to think about.
Let me dwell on the key points...
1. "love is going to come, the problem with you is that you're actively looking." Yup. That ties in with problem #4. I am a hopeless romantic. I don't know why I am actively looking for love. I don't know if it's cause love has slapped me in the face a couple of times. Well I admit it... I've only been in love once. And sure, love is all about trial and error, and it is from those errors that you learn. My mom constantly tells me that God separated George and I for a reason and that reason is that God didn't want to see the hurt George inflicted on me to go any further. I thought about it and I figure that God used George to teach me a lesson and to allow me to learn more about loving another. Being with George was God's way of telling me to "wake up and smell the coffee" before I fall in love with the person who I'll spend the rest of my life with. I admit that I don't have much experience when it comes to love and being with George taught me many valuable lessons.
2. "i think you should just enjoy life and take it for what it is, and maybe by doing that you'll meet someone that'll sweep you off your feet." I want to get out and enjoy life. I want to discover new things and become more outgoing. I admit that before college, I wasn't so outgoing. I was overcome by the introvert within me. I'm happy that the extrovert within me is slowly coming to surface. Yet, how am I supposed to get out and do things if all my parents do is deny me that right. I find that I discover new things when I'm in the presence of my friends. I love my friends and I love spending time with them. Whenever I ask to hang out with my friends, my parents say no. It's rare that they say yes. And why do they say yes? It's apparently cause they know who I'm hanging out with. If I say that I'm planning to go somewhere with Chryssa or Sam or Megan or Monica or Cheryl or Kirsten or Calvin, they're fine with it. If I mention hanging out with other people, they say no. Why? Cause they have no clue who the heck I'm hanging out with. I realize that I only got to hang out with people they didn't know in the first place cause I had someone they know with me, whether it be Kirsten or George. They probably would have never allowed me to go to Stevens, but they did cause I was going with Kirsten. They would have probably never allowed me to attend AASU events fall semester, but they did cause I was with George at the time. Don't get me wrong. I want my parents to meet my friends cause then maybe - just maybe - they'd let me out of the house more.
3. "maybe i'll find someone later but while that person hasn't crossed my way yet, i find happiness in my friends." I love my friends and I wouldn't give them up for anything or anyone. I'm sorry that during my relationship with George, I pushed away two of my best friends. That's one lesson I learned. I pushed away the only people who'd stick with me through that time and I kept nearest to me a guy who just ended up tearing my heart to shreds. I put him before a lot of things and I regret doing that. I find happiness in the arms of my friends and I wouldn't give that up for anything. When I do find someone new, that person will have to go through my friends cause my friends look out for what my best interest and they'll know whether or not that guy deserves me. Richard said, "your friends are your pillars of strength" and that's definitely true on my end.
4. "whatever's past is past, just keep on chuggin' forward without regretting or second-guessing." That's another one of my problems. I have so many regrets. I guess I regret everything that I've done that ended up hurting me. And I always second-guess myself. Just ask my anatomy professor. She yelled at me for constantly second-guessing myself during my anatomy final this spring semester. I have kept "chuggin" forward though. See? Despite all of my suicidal thoughts and attempts, I am still alive and standing - well, barely standing cause my legs tend to hurt but I'm still standing nonetheless.
1. I think too much.
2. I worry too much.
3. I'm impatient.
4. I'm a hopeless romantic. (emphasis on hopeless.)
5. I'm too emotional.
6. I'm too forgiving.
7. I regret a lot of things.
8. I second-guess myself constantly.
I'm pretty sure that there's more things to add to that list. I'm glad that Richard commented on my last entry cause his comment has given me something to think about.
Let me dwell on the key points...
1. "love is going to come, the problem with you is that you're actively looking." Yup. That ties in with problem #4. I am a hopeless romantic. I don't know why I am actively looking for love. I don't know if it's cause love has slapped me in the face a couple of times. Well I admit it... I've only been in love once. And sure, love is all about trial and error, and it is from those errors that you learn. My mom constantly tells me that God separated George and I for a reason and that reason is that God didn't want to see the hurt George inflicted on me to go any further. I thought about it and I figure that God used George to teach me a lesson and to allow me to learn more about loving another. Being with George was God's way of telling me to "wake up and smell the coffee" before I fall in love with the person who I'll spend the rest of my life with. I admit that I don't have much experience when it comes to love and being with George taught me many valuable lessons.
2. "i think you should just enjoy life and take it for what it is, and maybe by doing that you'll meet someone that'll sweep you off your feet." I want to get out and enjoy life. I want to discover new things and become more outgoing. I admit that before college, I wasn't so outgoing. I was overcome by the introvert within me. I'm happy that the extrovert within me is slowly coming to surface. Yet, how am I supposed to get out and do things if all my parents do is deny me that right. I find that I discover new things when I'm in the presence of my friends. I love my friends and I love spending time with them. Whenever I ask to hang out with my friends, my parents say no. It's rare that they say yes. And why do they say yes? It's apparently cause they know who I'm hanging out with. If I say that I'm planning to go somewhere with Chryssa or Sam or Megan or Monica or Cheryl or Kirsten or Calvin, they're fine with it. If I mention hanging out with other people, they say no. Why? Cause they have no clue who the heck I'm hanging out with. I realize that I only got to hang out with people they didn't know in the first place cause I had someone they know with me, whether it be Kirsten or George. They probably would have never allowed me to go to Stevens, but they did cause I was going with Kirsten. They would have probably never allowed me to attend AASU events fall semester, but they did cause I was with George at the time. Don't get me wrong. I want my parents to meet my friends cause then maybe - just maybe - they'd let me out of the house more.
3. "maybe i'll find someone later but while that person hasn't crossed my way yet, i find happiness in my friends." I love my friends and I wouldn't give them up for anything or anyone. I'm sorry that during my relationship with George, I pushed away two of my best friends. That's one lesson I learned. I pushed away the only people who'd stick with me through that time and I kept nearest to me a guy who just ended up tearing my heart to shreds. I put him before a lot of things and I regret doing that. I find happiness in the arms of my friends and I wouldn't give that up for anything. When I do find someone new, that person will have to go through my friends cause my friends look out for what my best interest and they'll know whether or not that guy deserves me. Richard said, "your friends are your pillars of strength" and that's definitely true on my end.
4. "whatever's past is past, just keep on chuggin' forward without regretting or second-guessing." That's another one of my problems. I have so many regrets. I guess I regret everything that I've done that ended up hurting me. And I always second-guess myself. Just ask my anatomy professor. She yelled at me for constantly second-guessing myself during my anatomy final this spring semester. I have kept "chuggin" forward though. See? Despite all of my suicidal thoughts and attempts, I am still alive and standing - well, barely standing cause my legs tend to hurt but I'm still standing nonetheless.
love you!
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