I don't really listen to R&B music but one song comes to mind when I think about my current romantic predicament: "Halo" by Beyonce. In the song, she says,
"Remember those walls I built
Well baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound"
They didn't even make a sound"
That's kind of how it is with this new guy I met.
On Wednesday, April 29th, I went to Stevens Institute of Technology with my seester/girlfrannnnn Kirsten. I went there expecting to spend some quality time with KB and her boyfriend, my "kuya" Eddie. What occured was unexpected. Sure, I expected to meet a lot of new people, but one person stood out... ARMAND.
I was eyeing him when KB and I first talked about going to Stevens. She showed me his profile on Facebook. "Cute," I thought to myself. I never would expect that he was the guy I would hit it off with. It all started when my "kuya" introduced us to each other. There was a certain spark... Armand was scared that he was making a "bad impression." He actually said that a couple of times and constantly asked me not to judge him. We really hit it off. We walked around campus talking about various subjects. We ate cake in a cup. He treated me to ice cream at the dining hall. We went back to his dorm and watched (but did not finish) "Wall-E." Our night ended when my mom called saying she wanted me to head home.
That night I spoke to one of my best friends, Monica (who now refers to him as "super delicious"). I told her, "I haven't felt this way in months. I have those butterflies in my stomach that you get when you like someone. I met someone and I think I like him." It's true. Last time I fell into like with someone and had butterflies fluttering around my stomach was back in October when I met my ex. I lost that feeling and I'm happy to say that I have it again.
I saw him again on Friday, May 1st. KB and I went to Stevens and my main target was him. I tried calling him several times once we got there but his phone said that the subscriber I had dialed was not in service. KB and I hung out in Alex's dorm for a while and then once Dan called, we left... in the pouring rain. I was soaked. KB left to go to my "kuya's" apartment and I stayed with Dan and Gene. We walked around, and Gene and I ended up in the caf with Sam. We were all talking and I was checking Facebook on my phone. All of a sudden, Armand changes his status: "Armand Rook Reyes just realized his phone isn't working =\" So I commented on it.
Terry Galang at 4:18pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
Hon. I've been calling you. I've been at Stevens since 3!
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:21pm May 1
ughh fml. where are you now?
Terry Galang at 4:24pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
Howe with Dan and Gene
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:25pm May 1
how are you gonna like my status? grr.
Terry Galang at 4:31pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
I pressed it by accident.
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:32pm May 1
haha sure. what are you doing after howe?
Terry Galang at 4:33pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
I came here to see you, dork.
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:34pm May 1
=]. you wanna come over when you're done?
Terry Galang at 4:39pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
Why don't you come over here?
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:43pm May 1
i'm trying fix my phone. it's trying to restore right now but it's failing=\how long do you think you're gonna be there for?
Terry Galang at 4:44pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
I don't know. I feel so uncomfortable... I'm soaking wet!
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:48pm May 1
aww. you want some clothes to change into?
Terry Galang at 4:52pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
LOL... Maybe?are you coming here or do you want me to come there?
Armand Rook Reyes at 4:52pm May 1
my phone is at half way right now. you want me to just pick you up?
Terry Galang at 4:53pm May 1 via Facebook Mobile
please?
He came sooner or later.... We went back to his dorm, hand in hand. It was raining and my clothes were soaked. I felt so uncomfortable but he then gave me one of his t-shirts to wear and a pair of his pajamas. YAY FOR COMFORT! Everything else that occured was simply amazing. Ahh... holding hands... hanging out... finishing "Wall-E"... telling each other that we like each other... kissing...
He kept smiling the whole time and he was like "I haven't been able to eat and concentrate and I feel all giggly... I haven't felt like this in a long time... I like you... a lot." We were in his bed and I'd turn away from him and our backs were facing each other and he'd turn back around and say "I can't take it." Then he put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. We just cuddled and kissed and joked around. SIMPLY AMAZING! What made my heart beat even faster was when he said, "I want to go on dates with you and go even further with a relationship." I see myself with him. I'm glad he feels the same way. He knows how to make me smile and keep me smiling. I haven't had a single dull moment with him. One moment I'll never forget was when I was lying down and he was on top of me and I asked him, "So... are you my Wall-E?" His response? "Only if you're my Eve..."
That's not all. The joy kept going and going as we constatly Facebook messaged each other back and forth say we miss each other and want to see each other.
He said, "i miss you =\"
"Aww sweetie, I miss you too. Damn it. We're not going to see each other til Friday... :( ," I responded.
He then said, "there's NO way we can't see each other earlier than that?!"
AND THEN WE MADE PLANS :D
So, the joy continued on Monday, May 4th. On that day, he came to SPC and he surprised me with flowers. I gave him a small tour of our campus and then we went to lunch at the McDonald's in Hoboken. Then, we went back to his dorm at Stevens. That day was amazing as well. He said, "I want to take you home to meet my family and I want to tell them 'This is Terry. My girlfriend.'" Yet, one thing scared me. I almost went as far as I did with George, except this time I managed to keep my clothes on even though at some point he wanted to take my shirt off. And then when I left, it felt different.
That night I couldn't sleep and started messaging KB at 1 in the morning. I told her, "I don't want to be used like George used me. I refuse to be used like that. I can't believe I let Armand use me like that. He's kissed me so many times and I've hesitated. He can see my hesitation and he wants to change it. He tells me all these pretty things like how he wants me for 'more than just kisses' and he 'wants all of me.' Maybe he is right... Maybe I'm gullible... Gullible to all the words he's throwing at me. ... I try not to kiss him but there's something about him that makes me want to. I turn my face away when he kisses me but he just pulls my face towards him."
KB asked me what I want out of this. I said, "If possible, a long lasting relationship with a guy who'll cherish me and my heart... He says I'm precious and he never wants to hurt me. I want to know if that, along with all the other cute stuff he says, is true. ... He compliments me so much... He says he never wants to hurt me... He CONSTANTLY tells me that he likes me..."
I spoke to my new good friend, Richard, about this as well. I told him, "I'm scared of getting hurt and I fear that he's capable of hurting me no matter how much he says he won't." He told me that it's a risk I have to take. And you know what? It's a risk I WANT to take cause cause I really like him and he says he really likes me. After a lot of thinking, I cried myself to sleep Tuesday night cause I hated myself for getting so carried away with him Monday. What made me cry even more was when he told me that we won't be able to see each other Friday cause he was heading home for the weekend. This made me feel weird... used... like a one night stand. I kept thinking to myself, "Does he really like me?"
I needed answers. On Wednesday, May 6th, I spent time with my "kuya" and KB. I vented to them. "Kuya" made me realize that maybe Armand really does like me cause he gave me flowers and he's supposedly willing to come up every once in a while to see me during the summer. "Kuya" told me that he would never be willing for me to meet his family if he didn't really like me... that if he didn't really like me he would never be willing to take time out of his day just to come to SPC and see me when he should be studying for finals. I realize that he really does like me. I felt content and I changed my Facebook status to: "Eve wants Wall-E to know that she's so sorry about doubting him & has no more doubts. Hopefully Wall-E doesn't doubt her. :)"
After a lot of thinking, I decided that he and I should slow things down, and get to know each other more since we really like each other. We were going a little too fast for only having known each other for less than a week. So, I messaged him telling him everything I felt via Facebook that night:
"Dear Armand (Wall-E),
So, I'm awake and hardly slept last night. I'm at school too which is weird cause my final is at 12. So I'm really early. I really wanted to confront you about something. I'd rather do this face to face... then again I don't know when I am going to see you next. That's why I am writing this to you. I wanted to confront you about this BEFORE you told me about Friday but the concept of Friday made how I felt worse... hence, the crying. I want to tell you that being with you is amazing. The cuddling... The kissing... The conversations... Everything is amazing. I haven't felt this way in a long ass time and I'm proud to admit that you make me feel this way. I get the butterflies too, you know! :D What I'm conflicted about is how fast and far we've gone. Believe me, the kissing is great but aren't we moving a little too fast for only knowing each other for about a week? We should take it down a notch cause we hardly know each other. I really want to get to know you more and I hope you feel the same about me. What hurt me is that in a matter of days I've gone as far with you as I've gone with you my ex and I promised myself I wouldn't go that far with anyone until I've been with them for a long time. So it hurt me to betray a promise I made to myself. Believe me, the dry sex was really good but it happened a little too fast. This is where the whole one night stand part kicks in. What hurt me even more is the idea of not being able to see you again. I thought I'd see you Friday and tell you all of this face to face but I guess not. Now I feel weird cause I don't know when I'll see you again. I hope I'll see you again. LOL. I want us to work this out. I'm sorry if I frustrated you last night but now you know why I was frustated as well. I was a tad frustrated at you but mainly, I was frustrated at myself. I hope you understand all of this and I hope you're not mad at me.
SOWWIE :(
♥ Terry (Eve)"
He didn't really give me a straight forward reply. He just says he wants to talk to me. NOW I'M SCARED. I'm scared that I've ruined everything, which is what I was telling my "kuya" last night on Facebook:
"Hi kuya.
I don't know if you saw my last message but I really need to vent right now. I have this weird feeling deep inside like things aren't going to work out with me and Armand. Something feels different... The words he says when he messages me are different... His replies to certain words or phrases I usually say are different... The context of his messages are different... I'm lost and I don't know how to feel about my situation anymore. I don't know whether or not to hate myself cause I think I ruined my chances with him. I seriously think the way he messages me is different cause I did something to cause the difference. I think I ruined everything, kuya. :'(
♥ Terry"
I honestly don't know how to feel about this now. I don't know whether I ruined everything or not. I'm confused again. We have been messaging each other back and forth and he said he's going to call me tonight. Hopefully he calls me tonight and provides me with the answers I need.
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