I haven't blogged in a while.
Nothing has changed really. . .
1. I'm still yearning for July 1st to come faster so I can start earning money again.
2. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I'm happy but I'm still not feeling happy. My mom thinks I'm happy cause she sees me acting all weird and bubbly and "happy," when in reality it's all just a facade.
3. My self-esteem is at an ALL TIME LOW.
I've officially given up on Twitter. Shit is full of people "tweeting" pointless things that just get on my fucking nerves. Nowadays, I just use it as a means of yelling at the world and making known what my non-existent life consists of. In reality, the occurrences in my life are pointless so "tweeting" about them is pointless.
Plus, a certain person's tweets are getting on my nerves. That's right... I'm talking about you Kirsten. THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU! Ok, we get it... you're attractive but you don't need to make it known to the world that guys are "hollering" at you 24 fucking 7. See this is exactly why I don't like hanging out with you at times. It's cause whenever I hang out with you my self-esteem gets lower and lower and even fucking lower. If I were to rate my fucking self-esteem right now it's at a -90682 and the way you act and the things you say make it even lower. SO FUCK IT.
Plus, when I hang out with you lately I feel like a fucking third wheel. Sure, I hang around Rachelle and Sam... they're a couple, but at least they don't make me feel like a fucking third wheel. I'd rather be by myself than hang out with people only to feel like I'm a fucking third wheel. THAT'S WHY I LIKE HANGING OUT IN BIG GROUPS... that way eventhough two people make me feel like a third wheel, there's always a chance to ignore them and have fun with the other people who actually notice you're there.
Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU.
I don't feel pretty. My skin condition doesn't help either. It doesn't help that my skin condition has now made discolorations on my face. Great! Now I feel even uglier. I hate my skin. I hate myself. I feel awkward in two piece bathing suits cause my stretch marks are so visible... it doesn't help that I'm fat either. I'm glad I did lose weight though. The cause? DEPRESSION. I was at 125 lbs before my relationship with George. Now? I'm at 110 lbs. I'm trying to lower it more by watching what I eat and not being a fatass who asks for seconds anymore. It's steady at 110 now. I'm happy that I can fit into size 5 jeans again. My thighs are huge! I'd be lucky to fit into size 3s! My aunt gave me a pair of size 2 jeans I dramatically fit into. I don't think they're really size 2s... they're fucking huge for size 2s.
I think that when people tell me I'm pretty they lie. They're probably only saying it cause they feel bad for me or something. Especially you! You comment on one of my Facebook pictures saying I look ridicuously pretty when in reality I look ugly as fuck in the picture. YOU'RE NOT HELPING! What are you trying to do? Put me even further down to make your pretty little self feel better?!
Nothing has changed really. . .
1. I'm still yearning for July 1st to come faster so I can start earning money again.
2. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I'm happy but I'm still not feeling happy. My mom thinks I'm happy cause she sees me acting all weird and bubbly and "happy," when in reality it's all just a facade.
3. My self-esteem is at an ALL TIME LOW.
I've officially given up on Twitter. Shit is full of people "tweeting" pointless things that just get on my fucking nerves. Nowadays, I just use it as a means of yelling at the world and making known what my non-existent life consists of. In reality, the occurrences in my life are pointless so "tweeting" about them is pointless.
Plus, a certain person's tweets are getting on my nerves. That's right... I'm talking about you Kirsten. THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU! Ok, we get it... you're attractive but you don't need to make it known to the world that guys are "hollering" at you 24 fucking 7. See this is exactly why I don't like hanging out with you at times. It's cause whenever I hang out with you my self-esteem gets lower and lower and even fucking lower. If I were to rate my fucking self-esteem right now it's at a -90682 and the way you act and the things you say make it even lower. SO FUCK IT.
Plus, when I hang out with you lately I feel like a fucking third wheel. Sure, I hang around Rachelle and Sam... they're a couple, but at least they don't make me feel like a fucking third wheel. I'd rather be by myself than hang out with people only to feel like I'm a fucking third wheel. THAT'S WHY I LIKE HANGING OUT IN BIG GROUPS... that way eventhough two people make me feel like a third wheel, there's always a chance to ignore them and have fun with the other people who actually notice you're there.
Then again hanging out in big groups in my case SUCKS ASS at times. Why? I make conversation with another person cause two people are making me feel like a third wheel. But what sucks is that when all the person you end up conversing with cares about is one of the people who make you feel like a third wheel because deep inside they think that person is attractive and they're using you to get to know more about them. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE THAT. They add onto my low self esteem as well. FUCK YOU.
I don't feel pretty. My skin condition doesn't help either. It doesn't help that my skin condition has now made discolorations on my face. Great! Now I feel even uglier. I hate my skin. I hate myself. I feel awkward in two piece bathing suits cause my stretch marks are so visible... it doesn't help that I'm fat either. I'm glad I did lose weight though. The cause? DEPRESSION. I was at 125 lbs before my relationship with George. Now? I'm at 110 lbs. I'm trying to lower it more by watching what I eat and not being a fatass who asks for seconds anymore. It's steady at 110 now. I'm happy that I can fit into size 5 jeans again. My thighs are huge! I'd be lucky to fit into size 3s! My aunt gave me a pair of size 2 jeans I dramatically fit into. I don't think they're really size 2s... they're fucking huge for size 2s.
I think that when people tell me I'm pretty they lie. They're probably only saying it cause they feel bad for me or something. Especially you! You comment on one of my Facebook pictures saying I look ridicuously pretty when in reality I look ugly as fuck in the picture. YOU'RE NOT HELPING! What are you trying to do? Put me even further down to make your pretty little self feel better?!
I can't say anything bout the third wheel part but i could say so many things about everything else.
ReplyDeleteThe whole confidence issue and weight:
I had that too (the whole discoloration). Especially during my debut. It was all over my face and including my body. It goes away trust me. A word of advice: if you think your ugly, its you thats lowering your self esteem. Just have confidence. Shit, im not as pretty as my other friends but I do have the confidence to actually try to look good. Im not saying what your doing is wrong, but honestly keep your head up high. At least we're blessed with 10 fingers, 10 toes, we could see, hear and talk.
I have stretch marks too. I believe EVERY girl has stretch marks. I have it visible every where on my thighs, but sure i do wear 2 pieces and i do feel awkward but i still wear them and not feel depressed out there. Your not obese. And that weight loss, honestly. We all go through a depressed phase but its not gonna go away unless you make something happen. People arent going to fix your life, its you yourself who could find happiness. I went from 106 to 126lbs through college and sure i feel fat, but i still want to feel good some how so i find ways to make me feel good
We're girls so theirs trying on make up, fixing up your hair, going on a diet. Honestly, i hated my life. I hated how i looked and everyone around it. But once you get in the motion of things, you find what really does make you happy. I owned a bunch of xangas and journals explaing how i hated life and i was depressed but that got me no where. So I went out. I found friends who did make me happy.
back in HS, my friends didnt talk to me for 6 months. and i found out who my real friends were. and to add for the fact that I MOVED AWAY FROM JC AND I STILL (TIL THIS DAY) CANT SEE ANY OF MY FRIENDS) but im still fine. You're one of the lucky ones who can see their friends so be GRATEFUL. BE GRATEFUL you have an EDUCATION and that you could somewhat afford it unlike the 35000 loan i took out just for ONE YEAR in college. and did i mention i was taking college for 5 years.
theres a way to feel pretty and honestly, you can do it. who needs people to tell them their pretty honestly. Only you can make yourself happy. When you start enjoying your life and being happy, i guarantee you things can get better. and think about who your making sad. When your not happy, can your TRUE friends be happy? and honestly, does any friend wanna make their friends unhappy.
So I leave you with this: Take a look in the mirror and remember the times you smiled til your cheeks hurted or you just enjoyed being alive. Take what you remembered and go search out in life what gets you to be like that cause honestly if i didnt have that to look back on....i wouldnt of found James.
You'll be fine. I trust you. Make the right decision and make the effort. I hope you take this advice and stories to heart.