I HATE MYSELF!

I did some hardcore thinking and revealing in lab today. I opened up to a friend of mine and I revealed to her some of the intimate details between my ex and I. This got me to thinking...

I FEEL LIKE A CHEAP WHORE.

My mom knows the farthest my ex and I have ever gone is the hickeys that appeared on my neck once. She's always asked me otherwise but I tell her no.

I'M A CHEAP WHORE AND A LIAR.

I'm tired of people telling me to move on from you. They don't understand that for me it's just not that simple because of everything that occurred between us. It's easy for you cause you're a typical guy... you used me for sexual purposes. You never really loved me at all!!!

I'M A STUPID, CHEAP, LYING WHORE.

The first time you told me you loved me I wanted you to make sure you really did... after all, you did tell me you loved me the day after we made it official. Then came the time you officially told me you loved me. We were getting carried away in the back seat of my car and you stopped just to tell me something. You said you respected my body and that you respected my virtue and then came the famous "I Love You, Terry." But that was obviously a lie! For all I know, you "loved" me at the beginning of our relationship but then as it progressed and dare I say it - got steamier - you only "loved" me for the pleasure I gave you. You lied to me, didn't you? You used me, didn't you? Did you just use me to fulfill your sexual desires, you asshole?!

I feel so unclean and dirty. I might as well have lost my virginity to you because the stuff we did makes me feel that the only think that kept me a virgin is the fact that you didn't penetrate my vagina. Other than the whole non-penetration thing, I don't really consider myself a virgin. I don't feel like one either... I feel so unclean! The only people who've seen that much of my body (other than myself) is my mom and my pediatrician... but he doesn't count cause I was still a baby then. I can't bear to look at myself naked in the shower anymore because it makes me tell myself: "Oh, he felt you up there" or "He saw you there" or "He felt your naked skin against him" or "He licked your chest there." It pains me to look at myself. I was the one lying in your fucking bed with only panties on and you were the one with like three layers of pants on. WTF?!

I hate myself for giving so much of myself to you. I feel so suicidal and depressed. I started cutting myself again cause my skin is no longer clean. The cuts just release bit and pieces of the pain.

I bet that if I did lose my virginity to you, I'd feel so guilty and absolutely kill myself on the spot. What I regret the most is the fact that I stayed with you past three months. On our three month "monthsary" you told me you loved me and kept telling me that... even as we were dry humping in the back seat of your car. Then hours later on the phone, I fucking ask you if you love me and you're fucking answer was no. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURT?!?! What sucks is that I still stayed with you and it was all cause I loved you so much. I still kept "pleasuring" you past that date even though deep inside the fact that you didn't love me replayed in my mind. Past that date your "I Love You"s during our "back seat fog sessions" were not directed towards me... but possibly towards my body. It was no longer "I Love You, Terry." It was "I love the way you touch me down there, Terry" or "I love having you on top, Terry" or "I love touching your breasts, Terry" or "I love your writhing on me, Terry." You didn't love me. You just loved the way I pleasured you.

I HATE YOU GEORGE DU!!!

BUT MOST OF ALL...

I HATE MYSELF FOR PLEASURING YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR SHOWING SO MUCH OF MYSELF TO YOU. I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME IN THE THAT MANNER. I FEEL SO CHEAP. I FEEL SO DIRTY. I FEEL LIKE A WHORE.

I HATE MYSELF!!!

R.I.P. to our love

** On April 19th, I wrote this in a note on Facebook.**

Bleh... I've been single for two months now. The pain STILL lurks. It's hard to let go when you loved someone so much. Maybe I shouldn't have loved you so much. Your love ended at three months... mine still somewhat exists. It's sad to say that I'm not proud of our relationship. I regret it with all of my heart. I regret joining AASU. I regret meeting those people and most of all, I regret meeting you.

When I broke up with you, I did it so that all the tears and fighting would end. Plus, it didn't help that I was loving someone who didn't love me back. I just wanted the pain to go away.

I've tried to get over it. I've tried to allow a smile to grace my face and cover up what's underneath. Yet, what's underneath - all of the pain - still seeps through. It's hard to not be reminded of what we had. The reminders are everywhere - "Whatever You Like" constantly plays on the radio. I can't bear to look at my Pikachu anymore. I threw it to the bottom of my bed. I can't bear to read my "Twilight" books anymore cause everytime I do, I break out in tears. I got the "Twilight" movie on DVD. I've only watched it once. I broke out into tears cause it reminds me of the fact that I went to see the movie with you and of the special bond we shared. Even the commercials for the DVD release of "Yes Man" bothers me. I hate that baseball season is here cause the Yankees are constantly being spoken about and you love the Yankees! It's weird but whenever I see Saturn Vues and Mazda Proteges, I get reminded of you.

I've returned to my old ways - the old me you never saw cause I hide her from everyone. The constant tears, the sleepless nights, my body's intolerance of food, the sudden drop in weight, constantly spitting out depressing poetry, and dare I say it - the cutting and suicidal thoughts. It's all back. It's like the "emo" version of myself at 13 years old has come back but this time, she's come back with a vengeance and she's striking harder cause the pain is striking harder.

~* R.I.P. to our love 10/20/08 to 2/19/09 *~

A quote from a Secondhand Serenade song:

"My tears run down like razorblades.
And no, I'm not the one to blame.
It's you. Or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out,
and then we're all ashamed.
And there's no sense in playing games
when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over. Why is it over?
We had the chance to make it.
Now it's over, it's over. It can't be over.
I wish that I could take it back. But it's over."

Life as I know it.

It's easy to say that life has its ups and downs. Yet, in my case. I tend to dwell on the "downs." Life is not going the way I want it to - but when does it ever?

SLOWLY I am finding out who my true friends are. Ever since my break up with my ex-boyfriend, I felt as though people are turning against me and house some sort of resentment toward me. Some people admitted it and made it clear that they do. One friend told me that the way I handled everything with my ex is the ONLY way some people see me - which brings up the fact that so many people are one sided thinkers. Some people only see one side of the story (my ex's) and ignore the other (mine). Some people - those who I consider to be my real friends - see both sides of the story and understand the way I feel and the way I process my predicament and they still accept me for it. My real friends are the ones who try to console me and cheer me up. And those "friends" of mine that really house resentment toward me but still pretend to me my "friends" .... well news flash to them - you guys aren't my friends... you're all just acquaintances. You don't deserve to be my friends and I don't deserve to be friends with people whose mission in life is to put me down and say shit.

Today, catching up with a friend, with whom I was temporarily disconnected, opened my eyes. At first I thought she had given up on me - that she just got annoyed and tired of all of my problems and ditched me. That's what it felt like the day after my break up. She said she'd be there to console me and cheer me up, and then all of a sudden she ditched me to hang out with her other friends. That hurt me and I disconnected myself from her - but only temporarily. Things started looking up between us when she greeted me a "Happy Birthday" on my birthday. Then we started talking randomly and the concern she showed for me one day just allowed me to feel like we were reconnecting. I admit that I harbored some sort of resentment towards her for ditching me but then I realized that no matter hoe I disconnected myself from her, she still managed to be there for me when she saw that I did. That means a lot. I feel as though we reconnected today - like the girl who I referred to as "SEESTER" really is there for me no matter what.

She put a smile on my face and brightened my rainy day. :D

<3

"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I've expected way less than what I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things can never get back and people who will never be sorry. I know better next time and won't settle for anything less than what I deserve"