an examination...

It's amazing to feel comfort in the arms of your friends.

F R I D A Y :

I chilled at school with Daniella until I had to leave for the movies. We webcam-whored like no tomorrow. Then she read my last blag entry, looked at me with disappointment and asked, "Let me see." She was looking for the cuts on my wrists. I showed them to her and she told me, "Don't ever do that again you stupid bitch." I then showed her Kirsten's response to my entry. Daniella agreed with everything Kirsten had to say. Then, we webcam-whored some more.

This past Friday night was the best I've had in months. I spent my night roaming around Newport Mall with Calvin, Rachelle, and Carlos. We went to buy our movie tickets, hung out at Babo's in the meantime, then headed back to say hi to a few friends at Maggie Moo's. Then off to the movies. We went to see Obsessed. It was a good movie, despite the bad seats and the raging black woman in the front row who kept yelling "Get her, B!" <--- so annoying.

S A T U R D A Y :

Yesterday sucked as usual. I would have the option of going to this kid Mark's party but I don't belong with those people. They're annoying backstabbers. They're AASU. FUCK YOU ALL! I'm glad I stopped hanging out with you people. I refuse to associate myself with assholes like you. Then.... there was always a party by school but I'd hardly know anyone there... basically just 3 people. So no... Saturday consisted of my mother and I at peace. Then late in the afternoon, once my father came, hell broke loose. He is such an effin asshole. I admit it. He's on the verge of turning 58 and he still needs to grow up and act like a mature adult. I swear that if my mom and I had enough money we'd leave him. He started complaining to my mom about bills and the charge for their life insurance. My mom said, "If I die today, how are you going to bury me?" His response? "I'm going to dump you in the dumpster." FUCK YOU DAD.

S U N D A Y :

Then comes today. The day started off crappy. My dad wouldn't get up to go to Church with my mother and I. He's being such an immature asshole since the night before... dare I say it, even Friday night when he got home from work. He needs to grow up and stop treating me and my mom like dirt. I wish I could tak my mom and myself away from here.

The highlight of my day (so far) is messaging on Facebook with one of my best friends from high school, Chryssa. She read my last entry as well. She got so mad at me that she started yelling at me via Facebook message. Her question: "Why? Why would you let someone touch you like that?" I don't know why I let him do that. I don't know what came over me. I hate myself for it. I hate it. I regret it so much. I'm happy that I didn't give myself fully to him but it feels like I did. I can't believe I let him take advantage of me. I'm really mad at myself and I hate myself. The hallmark of that whole conversation was when Chryssa said this:

"you are better than that.
you are like my big sister.
please do not cut yourself.
please do not think of suicide.
because you will literally make me cry.
i don't want to lose my best friend.
because of a stupid motherfucker.
i am so fucking mad right now.
k? please do not ever say that around me.
i love yaa ate, we all do."

I love her for it. I don't want her to be mad at me. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want her to cry. I want her to still be there for me. Please don't hate me, Chryssa. Please?!

Then, in between Chryssa and I's conversation, my curiousity killed me. Damn you Facebook and your "Highlights" column on the side of the homepage!! I clicked the link to the album this kid Cyrus put up of Mark's party. Guess whose picture captures my line of sight? Of course, my ex-boyfriend's. Apparently, he attended Mark's party... most likely due to the pressure Dyann (his "best friend") gives him. (SERIOUSLY, I THINK YOU'RE HER BITCH!)

I examine the pictures of him. He doesn't look like himself... just like the picture from FIND when some girl was giving him a lap dance. My first thought at that was "He probably misses a girl caressing his crotch." I see him in the corner of a group picture... the caption on that picture: "George Du makes this picture 1000x better.. haha." They tagged him twice in that picture... the second tag? "George Du fucked up.. haha." Then comes a second picture... he looks out of it... the caption? "George... nice lips lmao. Who'd you make out with?"

I know I have no right to look at these pictures... but hello! They're public! So I'm going to react because part of me still cares a lot about him.

Here it goes...

George,

What the fuck is happening to you? Why have you resorted to partying and drinking? I sound like a hypocrite when I say that but it's the truth. What the fuck happened? Why are you doing this to yourself?

One thing I do have to tell you is that you should examine your "friends." You call these people your friends? People who poke fun at you when you're so fucked up. I think they aren't your real friends. Real friends don't make the highlight of their night the fact that you were fucked up. Real friends don't say that having you fucked up in a picture makes the picture so much better. Real friends don't pressure you to drink and once they see you're totally fucked up, they don't "keep them coming." You call people who are amused by you being fucked up and people who want to keep getting you even more fucked up your friends?!

I'm glad I don't surround myself with that fucking AASU crew. The last time I partied with them, after having only a few drinks to keep me from going over the top, they kept asking me to drink when I repetitively told them I was the designated driver and I'd already had enough. The only think keeping me from actually succumbing t pressure and accepting the drinks they handed me? My FRIEND Kirsten. As my real friend, she saw that I already reached my safe limit for the night and couldn't drink any more cause I was the D.D. and one more drink would probably harm my consciousness. How could I drink when her life was in my hands? I was the one driving her home! What if I did drink more than I did and get into an accident and kill myself and Kirsten in the process?!

That went on during the second party as well... yet at that party, I wasn't driving. But when I was almost ready to reach my fucked up limit, Kirsten stopped me. She knew one more drink would send me over the top and her mom would see me fucked up when she would pick us up.

What I'm trying to say is that real friends stop you from drinking too much and fucking yourself up in the process. If real friends see you fucked up, they stop people from offering you drinks and they stop offering you drinks themselves. That's why I surround myself with people I trust and people who have my best interests in mind. Try to see for yourself if your "friends" have your best interests in mind!

But they are not the ones entirely at fault. You are at fault as well for being pressured to go to the party and actually accepting the drinks they repeatedly handed to you. You're pathetic for letting that happen. I don't even know who you are anymore. That's partially why I broke up with you. I saw your changing. Now you're changing even more and I don't know what the fuck happened to the George Du I fell in love with. You're a total different person now. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!

That's all I have to say. I'm happy that I know who my real friends are and that those people have my best interests in mind and they actually care about me enough to have my best interests in mind.

I love my friends.