Why can't I find happiness? I always always end up crying. Happiness might be within my grasp but then it always seems to slip away. Why can't I be happy for long periods of time or even one whole day?! Something always ruins it for me.
Whenever I find some form of happiness, it slips away.
Whenever I finally become happy with someone, they slip away.
I always ask myself this question: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?! I'm starting to think there is. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not meant to love anyone or have anyone love me.
Whenever I find some form of happiness, it slips away.
Whenever I finally become happy with someone, they slip away.
I always ask myself this question: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?! I'm starting to think there is. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not meant to love anyone or have anyone love me.
WILL I EVER FIND HAPPINESS?!
~*~
* To those people who "love" me and/or "care about" me, I don't know what I did to deserve your love or attention. Thank you.
* To those guys who made me a happy girl MOMENTARILY, I still thank you... even though you ended up hurting me.
- George... when we were together, you made me so happy even though it may seem like you didn't cause I was always crying. Heck, you said that you don't believe you ever made me happy. DAMN IT, GEORGE DU, YOU DID MAKE ME HAPPY! DON'T THINK OTHERWISE! Believe me, at the beginning of our relationship, my tears were only attributed to the problems I had within my family and not with you... yet. It's obvious what that "... yet" means because soon my emotions took over me cause it was not only my family stressing me out, but you as well. Oh well - you made me happy... momentarily, for a good 3 months.
- Armand... HA! Believe me, you made me happy. I thought I would never find happiness with another guy after the way things ended with George. The day I met you, I had so much troubling me and my visit to Stevens helped alleviate those troubles from my mind. That Friday and Monday that I actually got to spend time alone with you - I was happy as fuck! I had no troubles in my mind, no worries. You made all of that possible. Then things changed (probably cause of me) and you said you're "too happy for me." I admit it - that's probably true.I'm not a happy person but those few days I got to spend with you made me feel like I was the happiest girl in the world. You'll probably never know that.
* To my friends and best friends who have always made and kept me happy at those rare times, thank you.
In general, my friends... you are my #1 source of happiness. BELIEVE ME. You guys keep my mind off of my problems. I am rarely happy and I'm glad to admit that whenever I spend time with you guys, I always find some way to become happy. That's why I love spending time with you guys!
- Kirsten... my seester/girlfrannnnn. I never thought you and I would ever become this close. I never thought that I'd find a friend in you. Heck, you know more about me than my own parents. I'm sorry for alienating you during my relationship with George. I'M REALLY SORRY. I changed my ways around you and you did not deserve that. I was there for you when you were having problems with that asshole Justin. You tried to be there for me when I was having problems with George, but I pushed you away. I'M SORRY.
Remember when I started out with George and you invaded our walls? You said "for the record i love you MORE than George, forevers!" You were right about that. It's like no matter how much I may have annoyed you in the past or how I alienated you when you tried to be there for me, you are still there for me. Why are you still there for me?! LOL. I thank you for that. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems. I have way too many problems in my life and I don't like burdening people with them. Believe me, I feel like such a burden - not just to you but to a lot of people. I don't ever want to lose you. SORRY SEESTER!
- Calvin... you tried to be there for me and like Kirsten, I pushed you away. You tried to help me and I pushed you away.
Remember all of this? (YAY for AIM logs!)
cal8675 (11:02:05 PM): why the hell am i talking to u then????????? of course i care!!!!
cal8675 (11:02:13 PM): u make me want to call suicide prevention
cal8675 (11:02:59 PM): you'll give me a heart attack before i can reach the age of 19
cal8675 (11:05:53 PM): people go through stuff like this all the time
cal8675 (11:05:58 PM): u aren't the first
cal8675 (11:06:01 PM): or the last
cal8675 (11:06:06 PM): to feel like this
cal8675 (11:06:14 PM): but everyone learns to move on
cal8675 (11:06:27 PM): i don't know what else to say
cal8675 (11:06:31 PM): it is up to u
cal8675 (11:06:36 PM): i'll be there for u
cal8675 (11:12:45 PM): you know im here for you
girlLOVESromance (11:12:50 PM): ARE YOU?
cal8675 (11:13:12 PM): im talking to you......and i haven't packed for my trip yet.....and my flight leaves at 7am
cal8675 (11:13:24 PM): i have to get up at 4
cal8675 (11:13:32 PM): and i am still talking to you
cal8675 (11:13:35 PM): because i care
cal8675 (11:15:40 PM): i try to help u but you always question me
cal8675 (11:15:48 PM): it hurts
I'M SO SORRY for making you want to call suicide prevention! I'M SO SORRY for questioning and doubting that you're there for me. I'M REALLY SORRY. I can't believe all that I put you through... my suicidal IMs and texts, and my sobs over the phone. I'm sorry. You always found a way to empathize with me. You've probably grown tired of hearing me complain and seeing me cry. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems. You're my best guy friend and I don't want to lose you. You have enough problems of your own to deal with and you don't deserve to have my problems burdening you as well.
- Chryssa... I love you forevers. You've been my best friend (well along with Sam, Megs, Mon Mon, & Steph) ever since my junior year of high school. I never formed a real friendship until my junior year of high school. I never found real friends until I met the five of you.
Remember this?
* To those guys who made me a happy girl MOMENTARILY, I still thank you... even though you ended up hurting me.
- George... when we were together, you made me so happy even though it may seem like you didn't cause I was always crying. Heck, you said that you don't believe you ever made me happy. DAMN IT, GEORGE DU, YOU DID MAKE ME HAPPY! DON'T THINK OTHERWISE! Believe me, at the beginning of our relationship, my tears were only attributed to the problems I had within my family and not with you... yet. It's obvious what that "... yet" means because soon my emotions took over me cause it was not only my family stressing me out, but you as well. Oh well - you made me happy... momentarily, for a good 3 months.
- Armand... HA! Believe me, you made me happy. I thought I would never find happiness with another guy after the way things ended with George. The day I met you, I had so much troubling me and my visit to Stevens helped alleviate those troubles from my mind. That Friday and Monday that I actually got to spend time alone with you - I was happy as fuck! I had no troubles in my mind, no worries. You made all of that possible. Then things changed (probably cause of me) and you said you're "too happy for me." I admit it - that's probably true.I'm not a happy person but those few days I got to spend with you made me feel like I was the happiest girl in the world. You'll probably never know that.
* To my friends and best friends who have always made and kept me happy at those rare times, thank you.
In general, my friends... you are my #1 source of happiness. BELIEVE ME. You guys keep my mind off of my problems. I am rarely happy and I'm glad to admit that whenever I spend time with you guys, I always find some way to become happy. That's why I love spending time with you guys!
- Kirsten... my seester/girlfrannnnn. I never thought you and I would ever become this close. I never thought that I'd find a friend in you. Heck, you know more about me than my own parents. I'm sorry for alienating you during my relationship with George. I'M REALLY SORRY. I changed my ways around you and you did not deserve that. I was there for you when you were having problems with that asshole Justin. You tried to be there for me when I was having problems with George, but I pushed you away. I'M SORRY.
Remember when I started out with George and you invaded our walls? You said "for the record i love you MORE than George, forevers!" You were right about that. It's like no matter how much I may have annoyed you in the past or how I alienated you when you tried to be there for me, you are still there for me. Why are you still there for me?! LOL. I thank you for that. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems. I have way too many problems in my life and I don't like burdening people with them. Believe me, I feel like such a burden - not just to you but to a lot of people. I don't ever want to lose you. SORRY SEESTER!
- Calvin... you tried to be there for me and like Kirsten, I pushed you away. You tried to help me and I pushed you away.
Remember all of this? (YAY for AIM logs!)
cal8675 (11:02:05 PM): why the hell am i talking to u then????????? of course i care!!!!
cal8675 (11:02:13 PM): u make me want to call suicide prevention
cal8675 (11:02:59 PM): you'll give me a heart attack before i can reach the age of 19
cal8675 (11:05:53 PM): people go through stuff like this all the time
cal8675 (11:05:58 PM): u aren't the first
cal8675 (11:06:01 PM): or the last
cal8675 (11:06:06 PM): to feel like this
cal8675 (11:06:14 PM): but everyone learns to move on
cal8675 (11:06:27 PM): i don't know what else to say
cal8675 (11:06:31 PM): it is up to u
cal8675 (11:06:36 PM): i'll be there for u
cal8675 (11:12:45 PM): you know im here for you
girlLOVESromance (11:12:50 PM): ARE YOU?
cal8675 (11:13:12 PM): im talking to you......and i haven't packed for my trip yet.....and my flight leaves at 7am
cal8675 (11:13:24 PM): i have to get up at 4
cal8675 (11:13:32 PM): and i am still talking to you
cal8675 (11:13:35 PM): because i care
cal8675 (11:15:40 PM): i try to help u but you always question me
cal8675 (11:15:48 PM): it hurts
I'M SO SORRY for making you want to call suicide prevention! I'M SO SORRY for questioning and doubting that you're there for me. I'M REALLY SORRY. I can't believe all that I put you through... my suicidal IMs and texts, and my sobs over the phone. I'm sorry. You always found a way to empathize with me. You've probably grown tired of hearing me complain and seeing me cry. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems. You're my best guy friend and I don't want to lose you. You have enough problems of your own to deal with and you don't deserve to have my problems burdening you as well.
- Chryssa... I love you forevers. You've been my best friend (well along with Sam, Megs, Mon Mon, & Steph) ever since my junior year of high school. I never formed a real friendship until my junior year of high school. I never found real friends until I met the five of you.
Remember this?
"you are better than that.
you are like my big sister.
please do not cut yourself.
please do not think of suicide.
because you will literally make me cry.
i don't want to lose my best friend.
because of a stupid motherfucker.
i am so fucking mad right now.
k? please do not ever say that around me.
i love yaa ate, we all do."
you are like my big sister.
please do not cut yourself.
please do not think of suicide.
because you will literally make me cry.
i don't want to lose my best friend.
because of a stupid motherfucker.
i am so fucking mad right now.
k? please do not ever say that around me.
i love yaa ate, we all do."
I love you for saying that. I don't ever want you to be mad at me. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to cry. I want you to still be there for me. Please don't hate me, Chryssa. Please?! I'm sorry for sending you really emo messages on Facebook. I'm sorry for calling you over the phone sobbing while you were still at MSMC. I'm sorry if I burden you with my problems.
I remember that I did make all of you mad at me toward the end of junior year and into the beginning of senior year. I'm happy that we worked through those differences cause you guys are like sisters to me and I would never ever give up our friendship for anything. Remember my prom date Peter? Well he had this philosophy that the friends you make in high school won't carry over to college. WELL HE'S DEAD WRONG! Our friendship is a clear example of how wrong he is. Look at us. Steph and I go to school at SPC (but she's leaving SPC) and you go to school at MSMC, Sam goes to SVA and Megs goes to Drexel... heck, I don't even know what college Mon Mon is going to - but the point is that no matter how far some of you may be from me, we still manage to keep in touch and keep our friendship strong. Yay for summer '09 so we can all catch up!
I guess the point of this blog is that I'm grateful for the guys who made me a happy girl MOMENTARILY and I'm extremely grateful for my friends and for my best friends who have always made and kept me happy at those rare times. I don't want to lose what we have guys and I'm really sorry for burdening you all with my problems.
how about one of these oldies-but-goodies:
ReplyDeletepatience is a virtue.i'm going to be blunt.
love is going to come, the problem with you is that you're actively looking. and (it seems like) every single gesture from a guy is interpreted you as a sign of some sort. if you haven't watched he's just not that into you, please watch it. i don't care if it's just a movie, it'll get you thinking.
i don't think that your problems with guys are worth worrying about. i think you should just enjoy life and take it for what it is, and maybe by doing that you'll meet someone that'll sweep you off your feet. actively looking for Mr. Right will get you nowhere. i have proof, it said so in my thermo book! (lol the quote in my aim profile is from my thermo book hahahah)
another piece of advice - make your friends your happiness. you and i are really alike, in that sometimes i also wonder why i'll "never be happy" aka never find love. but you know what, it's the stupidest shit i ever thought in the world, honestly. why? because i know i have the most awesome friends in the whole world and that means more than any relationship i'll ever be in. yeah, maybe i'll find someone later but while that person hasn't crossed my way yet, i find happiness in my friends. "i get by with a little help from my friends..." the beatles said it perfectly.
you're a cool girl, i just wish you wouldn't worry so much. whatever's past is past, just keep on chuggin' forward without regretting or second-guessing. face it, armand is the past. and you're supposed to be getting past. dwelling on it won't do anything except maybe hurt you more. so don't do it.
keep on keepin' on, girl.
your friends are your pillars of strength.
don't worry about anything, you'll be alright.
aww Richard. I don't know what to say! I'm speechless. your thermo book?! HA! I love everything you said and I appreciate it all.
ReplyDelete<3